


The Unexpected

by alex4968



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Dirty Talk, Disabled Character, Fluff, Happy Ending, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Masturbation, Medical Inaccuracies, Minor Character Death, Smut, Top!Zayn, University, bottom!Liam, but zayn is always there to help him get through it, caregiver!zayn, complicated relationship dynamics (at first), liam gets sad sometimes, sorry im just a teenager i dont know hospital procedure, writer!liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-05-09 21:07:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5555372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alex4968/pseuds/alex4968
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"My dad always told me that pain is like ripping a bandaid off. It hurts like hell at first because you're scared of the pain, but then you rip it off all at once. And it still hurts because that's what pain does. But it fades off after a while, and then you're just left with the scar." He took the cigarette from between Zayn's lips, placing it between his own and taking a long drag. "So I guess that's what I am. The scar." </p><p>[or the one where Liam is partially paralyzed and Zayn is his care taker]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**{ THEN }**

There have always been, and always will be, three things that stem from the unexpected. Sympathy, favoritism, and avoidance.

The week Liam survived The Accident, he was hooked up to tubes and monitors and things that kept him awake with their beeps. The Accident was how his family and friends referred to it – as if the mere mentioning of it would bring the entire world crashing down. Strangers would stare. Girls would gasp and run screaming. It wasn’t true, but people walked on their tipoes around him, dancing around words and things they didn’t thing he could _handle._  That was the sympathy.

Next came the favoritism. Getting extra food in the lines at school, neighbors that he’d never once spoken to bringing his family dinners for days, teachers passing off his late work as full credit because _god forbid_ the crippled kid face any more stress in his life. It was a bit of a nuisance, at times, but other times he didn’t mind. If people wanted to treat him differently, so be it.

But the avoidance was the worst. It made his heart wrench, and it was the only time he ever wished that there was a way to change the way things worked out. Avoidance usually followed the sympathy. A simple, ‘how are you?’ and then a shy nod and they were gone. The people that did that typically walked on the other sides of the halls and didn’t make eye contact without looking to the floor immediately after.

The Accident had happened at the beginning of his senior year of high school. A fluke accident that really had no cause, but he’d always thought that the universe was out to get him. He’d been in the passenger’s seat, his dad in the driver’s, and a car swerved right into their lane and hit his side of the door. Everything kind of went dark after that.

When he’d woken up, he remembered the pain first. It was mostly his back which kind of felt like someone had twisted it into a proper pretzel knot. Then it was his mother, sitting beside his bed and crying before she’d noticed that he was awake. Then all there was was the fear. “Mom – mom, I can’t - I can’t move my legs. I can’t feel them.” After that it was a rush of nurses and moving beds and machines taking pictures of his bones and his brain and his stomach and his legs (which, he’d declared, were pretty useless. He considered asking if they’d replace them with metal ones. Being part robot would be pretty cool).

His father was back in the room once the nurses had wheeled him back in, but the medicine-cocktail he’d been put on kicked in and he couldn’t even get a hello out before his eyes were shut and the song that had been playing before everything went black was on repeat in his dreams.

 

 

His dad had barely gotten a few bruises. A sprained wrist was the worst of what the universe had dealt him, which Liam was beyond thankful for. He’d gotten that reaching over to try and hold Liam down and the door had crunched his wrist back at an angle that _nearly_ broke it. (He may have listened to the nurse a little too closely.) But then there was the news on his legs, which were now basically thirty-something pounds of useless body part.

He was paralyzed. Not from his waist down, just from right above his knees. That was a clue, they’d said, that his ‘motor functions’ could return one day. But they also might not.

His mom had cried again after the news had been delivered and his dad went outside to smoke. He got his wheel chair and somehow his mom figured out how to shove it in the boot of their little sedan when he was allowed to return home.

 

**{ NOW }**

 So it was.

Liam didn't think about it much. It was just a thing - something, like everything else he supposed, that he'd gotten used to in his life. Once he'd come to terms with it, he certainly felt like others were slowly coming around, too. Little things, one the most rare of occasions, would bring a kind of emptiness to the pit of his stomach when he'd think about it - about his  _condition -_ but really, he'd promise his parents every time they'd ask, he was okay. 

His schedule was one of the most simple things in his life, mostly because there wasn't one. He'd eat breakfast in the morning with his dad before he left for work, and then he'd do whatever he found entertaining that day until he did his coursework. It was online. Another side effect of being disabled, he'd call it, was the rarity of leaving the house without a single purpose or destination in mind. School, outside of being online, was too much of a burden. He couldn't drive, and his dad's hours at the school were too different from that of his own and the hours he'd be taking the classes. 

He didn't mind. 

"Everything okay?" He heard his mum ask, realizing he'd been staring down into his half eaten bowl of cereal. Maybe she'd said something. He wasn't listening. 

"Yeah, all good." He gave a smile in return and she dropped it. Everything was okay. He was just bored.

 

Liam settled back on his bed for a moment, listened to the silence of the house and letting his eyes fall shut. He ran his hand over his half hard cock inside of his boxers, squeezing softly. He huffed out a fast breath, then, before palming himself quicker, biting his lip softly. It was a thing he’d somehow gotten into, a form of self-torture to take it so slow, to tease himself until he was just there – teetering at the peak of his orgasm – and then stopping, waiting until he was calmed down before he’d finally allow himself that friction he so desperately desired again.

It’s barely a moment before he wraps a hand around himself, the thoughts of keeping himself from an orgasm quickly gone, palm wet with lube and the quiet confines of his bedroom being filled with the sound of his hand working quickly over his cock. His heartbeat thrums in his ear, breaths shallow and little moans falling from his mouth as he thumbs over his slit. He shivers from the motion, slowing his movements in another tease. A whine falls from between his lips, mouth open just the slightest amount. 

His hand is slow, then, eversoslowly pumping over himself as another whine tumbles from the back of his throat. He imagines someone else is doing this to him, of course. Imagines someone else is the one stripping that control from him, holding him down, making him beg. The idea of it is thrilling and his cock twitches in his hand with the thought. He doesn't really have a single person in mind, not a single face or body he'd like to be pressed against his own, but he knows it's another man. He's known that much since he was just a kid. He'd stopped thinking too much about that a long while ago. 

He stops entirely for a moment, then, hands resting at his sides. His body is warm, breaths heavy, and he opens his eyes for a moment. In the mirror across his room he can see himself, half dressed, lips bitten red from chewing on them so hard, his dick resting against his stomach – bright red. But again he closes his eyes and wraps his hand around himself, this time not wasting time in going slow.

His moans are louder now, bouncing off of the walls. He’s always been loud when he gets off. If he doesn’t cover his mouth, he can’t help but moan. It just makes the entire thing _hotter_ in a way. “fuck,” he mumbles to himself as the muscles in his stomach tighten and he flicks his wrist in just the right way so he comes.

He lays there a moment before reaching to find a rag and wiping his stomach off with it. His heart is still racing, and he allows himself to stay there in that high feeling for a moment. But then he drags his body up, sitting up and reaching to the handles to pull himself off of his bed.

Getting up is an art, in his mind. Every day, people sit up in bed and put one leg on the bed, and then the other. Then they stand and walk wherever they need to go. Liam, on the other hand, has one handle screwed into the wall right above his headboard and another about four feet away so he can turn himself around and settle into his wheel chair. Skills and upper arm strength, he likes to think of it as.

So he does just that, wrapping a hand around one of the handles and pulling himself to the edge, then to the other, twisting and holding himself up until his ass falls flat on the soft material of his chair. He wheels himself over to his dresser, grabbing fresh boxers and jeans and changing into them, then a simple black shirt with a white outline of a drum set on it. He stopped putting much effort into what he wore when it made him tired just getting dressed.

It had been a little more than a year since The Accident,  and Liam had come to terms with the fact that he was never going to walk again. The sympathy had stopped, mostly, and even if he still got a few looks from people on the streets, he was over it. It was just his life now. And today was just another part of it.

There was a college student, going to school on campus at the college Liam went to online, who wanted to do some intern work. It was something about him getting a degree in something to do with nursing, particularly in disabled people, and Liam matched his profile. His father, of course, had offered him the position. Liam had said he didn’t want to have an aid anymore once he’d turned eighteen, saying it was just too expensive and it really wasn’t that difficult to wheel himself around instead of getting pushed around. His parents had agreed, though they didn’t seem completely certain, and now he knew that they’d never really agreed.

His name was Zayn Malik. Nineteen and a sophomore. He had silver hair and an awkward smile. That was really all Liam got from him the first time they’d met. It wasn’t like he was mad about not having to work as much, he was always up for an opportunity to be lazy, he just didn’t much like the fact that his parents didn’t think he could be entirely independent.

His phone buzzed on top of his dresser and he grabbed it, checking the text from his mom that was just reminding him that he needed to meet up with Zayn at noon. Followed by a ‘seriously, Liam. Go.’ Which made him feel like a child. He decided not to respond and just wheeled himself out into the living room and out the front door. He and Zayn were ‘bonding over lunch’ since their first meeting hadn’t exactly gone in the perfect way his parents had seemed to imagine.

He rolled fast down the ramp on his front porch, turning so that he went down the sidewalk before flipping back around and sitting in front of his house. Zayn pulled up just a moment later and got out of his car, eyebrow already quirked, probably from having seen what he just did, and Liam couldn’t help but laugh. “Let me have my fun.”

 

 

Zayn and Liam had agreed on finding a coffee shop instead of a restaurant because a restaurant was too much like a date.  The care ride wasn’t as awkward as he’d feared that it would have been. Some Vance Joy song was playing softly from the speakers and Liam couldn’t help but notice that Zayn drove with both hands on the steering wheel, right in the position that they were supposed to be in. He’d always had the habit of one handed driving, the other elbow resting on the open window if it was warm enough. Little things like that were just fun to notice. Zayn seemed like the careful type.

There was nothing wrong with that, since he probably did need to be more careful in the way he lived, but he just worried that it would get annoying. That was one of the reasons that he’d told his previous caretaker that he wasn’t interested in her working for him anymore, simply because she was too observant. Always correcting him when he was going to fast or tried to be independent at all. If Zayn turned out to be a micromanager like she had been, he was going to roll himself off of a building (Okay, maybe not really. But he wouldn’t exactly be happy.).

Zayn parked in one of the handicapped spots in the front and pulled out the blue dangling badge, attached it to his rearview mirror, and got out. This was another routine that Liam had found himself getting used to. Sit and wait until someone came to help him, even with something as simple as getting out of a car. So he did just that, waiting until Zayn came around before putting an arm around his shoulder and leaning against him to keep from falling down.

“So I heard you’re studying English, right?” Zayn piped in after a moment, opening the door and getting both of them inside (with only a faint amount of awkwardness when he used his foot to hold the door open to get the entire chair through).

“Yeah, and you’re doing general nursing? Or are you specifying?”

“I’m just doing general now, but I plan on specializing later.” Liam felt a little blush spread over his cheeks when he realized he’d said the wrong word. But Zayn wasn’t critical or mean when he said the correction, so he didn’t mind.

He was, however, surprised when Zayn actually pushed him up to the counter with him and let him order for himself instead of asking what he wanted and leaving him alone at a table. There was a certain excitement that came from simple independent things like ordering something for himself.

He got himself a mocha, which was his usual, and listened as Zayn ordered a vanilla latte. Zayn paid right as Liam was reaching to grab his wallet and he just rolled his eyes. Something about another person paying without thinking too much of it made him feel weird - like he was taking advantage of something, even if he hadn't had the opportunity to say no to it. 

 

Liam thinks too much.

 

“So, I’m sorry if when we met before I was a bit awkward. You know, your dad kind of has that control over my education so I didn’t want to like, fuck up.” Liam just laughed. His dad was the dean of the university that they both went to, which he assumed was how he’d ended up offering Zayn this position at all.

“My dad is like, the nicest guy ever. I doubt he’d fuck up your schooling just because a little meeting went wrong.” He got a smile in return and sipped at his coffee. “But, just so you know, I don’t really like the idea of having someone being around me because it’s their job. I have this, independence concept I guess.”

“I kind of got that vibe from you, actually. But don’t worry at all. I think it’s shit to just make you sit around and wait for someone else to do stuff for you. So just tell me if I’m not letting you do something you usually do. Your mum wrote me out this like, list of things she wanted me to do for you, but it seems a little too extensive, honestly.”

“Oh thank god you agree. I would’ve gone mad if I couldn’t even make my own tea.”

“I’ll let you make your own tea on one condition.” He was smiling when he said it and Liam raised an eyebrow, the left corner of his mouth raising up in interest.

“What is it?”

“Don’t rocket yourself down a ramp towards a street anymore.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Liam laughed again. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as bad as he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	2. Chapter 2

 “Okay, so, tell me a bit about yourself. Other than the fact that you are completely reckless.” Zayn had this way of speaking when he wasn’t serious that was completely obvious. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was because of the way his facial expressions read out the humor so easily or if it was just the tone of his voice, but no matter what, he picked up on the fact that he wasn’t being serious about him being completely reckless (even though most of the time he had a strong tendency to be exactly that.)

“Well, I like a lot of reading and writing. That’s typically how I spend a lot of my freetime. I enjoy watching football, and I drink a lot of coffee. How about you?”

“I enjoy helping people and listening to music. I go clubbing sometimes. I like reading, too. Maybe I could read some of your stuff sometime?”

“Yeah, sure. If you’d like.”

They talked a while longer and Zayn told a lot of really bad jokes that did an oddly good job at making Liam laugh. Liam bought their second round of coffees as well as two muffins because he was hungry and assumed Zayn would be as well.

Of course this was just them getting to know each other, totally professional, but Liam couldn’t help the fleeting thought that maybe he could consider this a date and Zayn would, too. Maybe if he wasn’t crippled and could just be a normal college student on an actual college campus like him he could actually have a chance, but none of that was the case, so here he was. It wasn’t going to bother him, though. He couldn’t let it, or else this entire thing would just become miserable instead of helpful like it was intended to be.

So he just kept asking questions about Zayn’s life, like if he had any pets (a betta fish), or any siblings (sisters), and if he liked to do anything physical (he played football). It was really nice to hear about Zayn’s life, in a weird way. He was interesting and actually talked with him instead of just making nonsense talk.

 

 

It was a bit past three when Zayn said he had a class to get to at four and needed to take Liam home. It was a weird feeling thinking that he actually didn’t want to go home, since that was usually all he ever wanted, but there was something about Zayn that just made him feel like he was no different, that there was nothing wrong with him. He hadn’t felt like that since before The Accident had happened.

But that was alright because Zayn would be back at eight AM tomorrow. His mom was going back to work in the mornings (even though he’d told her time and time again he really would be okay if she wasn’t home in the mornings even if he didn’t have anyone to take care of him), so he’d get to feel just as normal then. Or so he hoped.

He was a little afraid that things would feel differently when he was at home and the fact that he needed an in-home helper would be resurfaced and he would be unhappy again. But he didn’t want to think about that and end up thinking about it, because then that would be exactly how he would feel the next day, even if it wasn’t true.  

So he wheeled himself out of the door once Zayn had thrown their trash away and waited by his car. Zayn was out just a second later and helped Liam up, grabbing his hand to pull him up until Liam had an arm around him. He opened the door up and Zayn helped him into the front seat and the hardest part was over. Getting in was oddly always harder than getting out.

Then there was the sound of metal clanking while Zayn packed his chair up into the boot and climbed into the driver’s seat.

 

It was odd, in Liam’s mind, how different Zayn seemed from every other caretaker he’d ever had before. Well, from his previous caretaker. He helped him inside and into his room like he’d requested before saying his goodbyes and heading off to class. No lecturing. No telling him to stay in bed or to even _get_ in bed. He just said his goodbyes.

It was kind of nice having someone so different, having someone who acted a lot more like a friend than a care taker. Maybe his mom had been right when she said it would have been a good idea to have someone here who was around his age instead of a woman who was in her mid-forties.

He found his way to his computer screen and logged on to play a few rounds of CandyCrush before going to the kitchen to find something to eat. Sometimes it set in that he really, really needed to get a life. Oh well.

 

 

“So, how’d it go?” His mom asked as they ate dinner together that night. His dad looked up when she asked. It was weird on the rare occasion that they spoke at the dinner table because most of the time it was just silent. They all had discovered that they could enjoy each other’s presence without the need of talking to fill the silence.

“It went well. It was much less awkward this time.” That was true, but he didn’t feel the need to go in detail. Maybe one day he and Zayn would end up being friends and it wouldn’t be weird to say that he enjoyed spending time with him.

“That’s.. good, Liam.” His father started. “I was thinking, and I wanted to run this by you first of course, but perhaps if it continues to go well, you could come to school on campus.” His eyebrows quirked at that as he put a forkful of peas into his mouth. “Zayn lives off campus since he’s not a freshman, but maybe, if you would like, you could go to school and we could figure out how to make both of your schedules work out so he could help you get around there, too.” It was a weird thought. He’d always wanted to go to school on campus, get a chance to get out of the house again, but that would be… too much. He wanted to be independent if he was going to be able to have that privilege. Something like an all-or-nothing concept in his head.

“I don’t know, dad. That’s a good thought and I’ll consider it… but I feel like that’s a tad too much. We aren’t even paying him.”

“I chose a student from the University for a reason, Liam. Think about it.” That was the end of the conversation, he knew that much. There was no arguing with his dad once an idea had popped into his head. Almost every time it would just solidify and become impossible to get through. It was rather annoying, but at least he hadn’t had to give an instant answer and was given time to think about it instead.

 

Liam had fallen asleep with his phone in his hand, in his boxers, and laying on top of his duvet. The ultimate outcome of this was just the extreme embarrassment when he was woken up by Zayn’s voice and opened his eyes to see him looking away. Of course he probably thought he needed help getting up, but he just grabbed a pillow and covered up what of his body he could. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. I can get up, don’t worry. I’ll uh – I’ll be out in a second.”

“Right, okay.” And then Zayn was gone and Liam was left alone with his embarrassment.

His entire body felt warm when he got out of bed and when he pulled a shirt over his body and when he found a clean pair of pants. He had to take a few deep breaths to will the sweaty-embarrassed-palms away before he opened his door and wheeled himself out. It wasn’t too terrible when he found his way out of his room and Zayn was sitting at his kitchen table looking at his phone. “Sorry about that.”

“Hey, don’t be. I should’ve knocked.” Zayn said without missing a beat and had his phone in his pocket before he was standing again. “If you wanna make some tea I’ll make breakfast?” Liam couldn’t help the smile at that. He was actually going to let him make his own tea just because he said that he wanted to.

“Sure, just gotta go run down my ramp right quick –“

“Hey, that’s not fair.” It was silent for barely a second after that before they were both laughing and Liam laughed so hard he felt sore in his stomach, but it was the best he’d felt in a long time.

 

So Zayn cooked and Liam made them both tea (without burning himself) before moving to sit at the table. It was just eggs and toast but Liam wasn’t complaining. He hadn’t had anything that didn’t come out of a box for breakfast in longer than he’d like to admit.

“So, tell me what you usually do in a day?”

“Um, my mum and dad are usually working by the time I get up. So, I find something to eat and then do my courses online, then probably play some games or take a nap. I don’t… get out much.” Zayn gave a little smile and a nod.

“Alright, well, I’ll be here from nine to two Sundays through Thursdays, and I’ll be able to drop in for a bit on the other days, but those are my heavy class days.” When he spoke, Liam noticed the way he leaned forward just a bit and gave a little smile to end his sentences. He seemed like he liked what he was doing, even if (to Liam) it sounded stressful.

“You really don’t have to stick around that long. I mean, you’re not getting paid for this, so, I mean, don’t worry about it.”

“Well, I can’t be around as much as your dad said your previous helper was, but I do want to be around as much as possible. My job is to make your life easier as much as I can, yeah? It wouldn’t be nice to only come around for an hour or two here or there.”

“Alright.” Zayn actually cared. That much was obvious, and it made him feel nice. As much as he’d been fond of his previous caretaker, she hadn’t had all that passion that Zayn seemed to have for actually helping. Things like that just made Liam feel like he actually had a place instead of was here like a burden.

 

After they ate, Zayn and Liam went to the couch to figure out a show to watch before he had to start his classes. There was nothing really good on, so they ended up scrolling through the music channels and agreed on listening to some local band that paid for some half hour spot on the channel.

“This actually isn’t terrible.” Liam started with a little smile.

“I think this group opened up for a set I went to see about a month ago. They were pretty nice live, too.”

“Do you go to a lot of concerts?”

“I go to a lot more when classes are on holiday, but I try to get into local shows sometimes. My mate Louis just graduated from Uni last year in music production and has like, this record label now. So I tag along with him a lot.”

“That’s so cool, dude.”

“Maybe you could tag along sometime? I mean, it could be fun since you don’t get out too much?”

“That would be really nice. I’d love to.”

 

Zayn did his own coursework while Liam did his and they let the music play in the background for a long while. It was strangely comforting even just having Zayn there. Normally, the house would be empty and quiet except whatever show he’d let play in the background while he did his classes at his desk, but doing them at the kitchen table with someone, even if they didn’t speak while they did it, was nice.

 

After about an hour, Zayn finally broke the silence with, “How do you feel about Chinese food?” which made Liam jump slightly and they both laughed again.

“I like it, why?”

“I’m gonna order some for lunch, is that alright?”

“’Course. Do you do this often? Spastic ordering? Or is it because you’re here?” It seemed like something that needed to be asked because Liam did not want to be at fault for Zayn spending money on takeout when there was enough food here for the both of them.

“I’m kind of a shit cook… and all I really eat is take out and my roommates food. He’s a chef down at Tally’s.”

“The one with the scruffly beard or the curly hair?”

“Curly hair.”

“He’s a good cook. You’re lucky, mate.”

“He does love to feed me.” Liam laughed again and watched as Zayn cracked a smile. His eyes crinkled at the sides and his smile was just one of those infectious ones that found it’s way onto everyone around him’s face without their permission.

 

That night, Liam may or may not have thought about Zayn’s lips and his little sly smile when he got off. But that was just between him and his hand.


	3. Chapter 3

That night, Liam managed to fall asleep, naked, on top of his blankets. It was rare for him to fall asleep quickly – so he’d just laid down and let his eyes fall shut, not expecting to sleep before crawling under his blankets. But when he heard a little knock on his door the next morning and then Zayn’s awkward laugh, he was beyond embarrassed.

Zayn: um

Liam: oh god

Zayn:

Liam: I can get up myself oh my god I’m so sorry

Zayn:

And then he walked out and Liam was left with a red-flushed face and palms sweaty from embarrassment (which made it harder to get up than he’d liked to have admitted). But when he did, he got dressed and wheeled out into the living room where Zayn was sitting on his couch and playing on his phone. So, Zayn didn’t seem to care too much.

“Sorry about that. I um. Fell asleep before … yeah.”

“You’re acting like I’ve never seen a naked guy before.” Liam couldn’t help the laugh when he said that, watching as his face turned red. “I um – I’m going to nursing school –“ So at least he wasn’t the only one who was going to be a little embarrassed today.

“mhm.” So he had a little bit of material to tease Zayn with later, once they were a little closer. But for now all he did was smile and move to sit beside him.

“Anyway, I brought some doughnuts, you hungry?”

“Sure.” He gave a smile and watched as Zayn went into the kitchen and returned with a box of a dozen of the doughnuts and set them on the table in front of them and sat down again. This wasn’t terrible. He’d long since gotten over the thought that it was humiliating to have to be taken care of, so having a care-taker who felt more like a friend than anything else wasn’t bad at all.

He could live with this.

 

 

Zayn did his coursework, again, while Liam played a few rounds of candycrush on his phone and half-paid attention to the programme on the t.v. They’d eaten all the doughnuts and had about five cups of tea (each) and his heart was beating faster than he thought it should be considering he was just sitting still. Caffiene plus sugar hadn’t ever been a good bundle for him. But he could handle it for now.

“What’s your opinion on cats?” Zayn asked after about forty minutes of silence between the two of them, making Liam jump slightly.

“Cats?”

“Cats.”

“I like them. They’re cute. What’s your opinion on them?”

“They’re kind of arrogant. Like they know they’re important. I love cats.”

“I can see why.” Liam said with a little laugh.

“What?” Zayn quirked an eyebrow and had a little grin on his face.

“Nothing.” It had kind of just slipped out of his mouth, but it _seemed_ true. Zayn carried himself in that way that he just looked like he knew he was pretty – did he seriously just think that – and he spoke in the kind of tone that just screamed that he knew that everyone would want to listen. Of course, Liam would want to listen. The things he said were funny, entertaining, and even just nice to hear sometimes. But that arrogance actually did remind him very slightly of a cat. Or maybe he was just a little tired.

 

 

Zayn left right after they’d eaten lunch together, once again almost late for his classes. Once he was gone, Liam actually went outside. It wasn’t often he went outside on his own, simply because he was so directionally challenged (and most of the time ended up having to call his mom for directions on how to get home). He just wheeled around the block a few times and down to the main road before turning around and heading back home.

The sun felt nice, and it was a warm day for a change. Bradford usually wasn’t very warm come the beginning of spring – with the amount of rain they usually found falling, it wasn’t normal for him to even _go_ outside without getting right into a car. But this was a nice change. Maybe he’d do this more often.

 

 

Things went on like that for about two weeks. Zayn stopped by every day, they did their school things together and ate together, played some video games, went outside together a few times. It was all pretty fun, and it got him back into a real schedule. Get up at eight because he _absolutely_ did not let him sleep past eight thirty and sleep around eleven because if he slept any later he did not want to get up when Zayn got to his house.

So, it wasn’t all bad. He was at least feeling a little more… _normal._

He’d managed to fall asleep around ten, (actually getting under his blankets) and was in that kind of sleep where he was still ever-so-slightly aware when he heard his phone ring. It had still been on 95% when he was headed to bed, so he hadn’t plugged it in and just grabbed it from his night stand, sliding over on accept and bringing it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Liam! Um, Liam, hey, it’s Zayn. Y’know how you said you wanted to come to a, um, show? Well, this sick band is playing at a pub tonight and, well, I just figured I’d see if you wanted to go?”

“It’s like, midnight, dude.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called –“

“No, shush. When are you going to be here?”

“I’m outside.”

“Asshole.”

“See you in a few minutes.” So he pulled himself as quietly as he could out of bed, shutting his phone off and slipping into a different pair of jeans and pulling on a clean shirt and listened through the house to see if anyone was awake. It was weird – that feeling that he was like a kid. He was nineteen and could leave whenever he wanted, as long as his parents at least _knew,_ but he still felt like a kid, sneaking out in the middle of the night.

He left a note on the whiteboard on the refrigerator before slipping out of the front door and watching as Zayn got out of his car. He helped him into the front seat and grinned before heading back to the driver’s side and getting in.

“Was this like, a spastic decision?”

“Well. I actually had intended to call you earlier, and then I fell asleep. So, no.”

“Well, thank you for inviting me.” Zayn drove off with a nod, both hands still on the wheel as he seamlessly drove down side-roads and main roads and through the city as if he had each little vein of it memorized. It was so strange that he noticed things like that about him, but it was just because he genuinely _wanted_ to. He wanted to learn about zayn. He wanted to know everything there was to know about him and just be close with him. There was something about the air to him that just made it nice – comforting even – to be around him.

“So this band is like, pretty unpopular. And I’ve never even heard of them, so I am sorry if they suck. But either way it should be fun. I hope.”

“This is actually the first time I’ve been more than three miles from my house since we went out for coffee, so I don’t think this could be boring even if the band just talked the whole time.”

“Good.” Zayn was smiling again and motioned for Liam to follow him inside, which he did happily. The club was big, but there were far from as many people as he thought that would be there. The stage was lit up, people in all black clothing dragging out drums onto the stage.

He was excited. Any thoughts of the tiredness he’d felt earlier long past gone, and he was just happy to be here. Happy to be with Zayn – as awkward as it sounded. He didn’t want to say he had a crush on him, because that made him sound like a child, but he really did enjoy being around him. So, maybe it was a crush. But he was an adult and Zayn was probably straight – so he was happy just being his friend.

“Ay, want me to get you something to drink?”

“Just a beer, mate. Here I have some money-“ but he was gone already and Liam rolled his eyes. Sometimes he was certain he rolled his eyes more than he ever had when Zayn was around. He just always did exactly what he wanted and didn’t care much about what anyone else had to say about it. But maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it was a good thing that Liam felt like he could really be himself around Zayn because Zayn definitely wasn’t holding back around him. There was no way someone as spastic and even sometimes as _weird_ as Zayn was could be holding back.

“Here you go.” Zayn said, handing him a brown bottle with a matching one in his own hand.

The band started playing a few minutes later, the singer introducing them as “Maybe Maybe” before they played a few riffs and she sang alongside the other members’ playing. There were four of them, her, the guitarist, a bassist, and a drummer. They weren’t bad and Liam was definitely glad he came. Zayn nodded his head along to the beat and his heart felt like it skipped a beat for a second.

 

It was two hours before the bar was closing and the management was kicking everyone out. Liam had had four beers and enough alcohol to make him tipsy. He could still think clearly, but he had forgotten how… _sad_ alcohol made him. He thought too much when he was tipsy, so usually when he drank he couldn’t stop there and always had to keep going until he was beyond drunk. But he’d stopped, and now the thoughts were swirling around in his head.

Burden/pain/cripple/unnecessary/hurtfultoeveryone/

He didn’t feel too good, but he still have a smile and nod to Zayn when he asked if he was okay. “I think I need a smoke,” Zayn said and he followed him outside.

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“Yeah, bad habit. I know.”

“I don’t mind.” So Zayn lit up and leaned against the wall outside. Liam watched as the left the building, watching as they all went in different directions and watched as they all went on to go live their lives and do the things thoughtlessly that he wished every day he could do.

“Liam, are you alright?” Zayn asked again, eyebrows furrowed, and he hadn’t realized that there were tears falling down his face until he wiped at his eyes.

“No. No I hate that I can’t be normal. I want to be like everyone else.”

“Liam you are normal. You just have a disability.”

“Yeah, which means I’m not _normal.”_

“So? Who cares about normal. You’re pretty great even if you can’t walk, dude. That’s the only thing that’s different about you.”

“I want to walk. I want to be able to do things for myself and I’m like – I’m not saying that you aren’t awesome to be around but I don’t _want_ a caretaker. I don’t want to need it.” Zayn was quiet for a minute, his cigarette burning out between his fingers, forgotten.

“If I was just your caretaker, I wouldn’t have invited you out here t’night Liam. I’m your friend, more or less. I like to think I am. You’re not a burden, if that’s what you’re hinting at. You do more on your own than anyone else who can’t walk that I’ve ever met. You _want_ to be independent and maybe you think you aren’t, but you don’t need me.” His heart felt heavy with those words. They weren’t true – were they? “Your parents want me to help you. But you don’t need it. So, don’t think of me as a caretaker because I don’t do much for you other than keep you company.” Of course they were.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, mate. It’s fine. I wish I could understand, but I can’t. So… I’m here to listen, yeah?”

"My dad always told me that pain is like ripping a bandaid off. It hurts like hell at first because you're scared of the pain, but then you rip it off all at once. And it still hurts because that's what pain does. But it fades off after a while, and then you're just left with the scar." He took the cigarette from between Zayn's fingers, placing it between his lips and taking a long drag. "So I guess that's what I am. The scar." That’s all he was. He was the left-over product of pain that everyone would just want to erase after a while.

“And you know what scars are?” Zayn said without skipping a beat. “Promise of healing. That’s what you are. You show that you’re not just your disability. You’re Liam. Not Liam-Who-Can’t-Walk. Liam.”

“Yeah. You’re right.”

So he went back to Zayn’s flat that night and crashed on the couch, figuring it would be best to keep away from home while he smelled like alcohol. Harry had come into the living room around four am (naked, so, Zayn wasn’t kidding), and screamed – fucking _screamed_ – which made Zayn run out in his boxers and then they were all laughing and drinking tea in the earliest hours of the morning before Harry had to get to work.

Zayn’s words kept echoing in his head. Even if he still wished he hadn’t said those things to him, he was kind of glad he had. Zayn had given him the truth in the kind of way that made it really sink in. He wasn’t scared to tell him to get a grip on himself and Liam had just really, really needed that.

So he wasn’t ashamed when he fell asleep leaning on Zayn’s shoulder as the voices of the infomercial-actors helped him into sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a long time to update and I am very sorry. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Comments and kudos are appreciated.
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst and independence. But mostly angst.

“ _Liam Payne where the hell are you?!”_ His mum’s voice echoed through the silent apartment when he answered with a sleepy, “hello?” later in the afternoon. Somehow, the two of them had managed to sleep until just past mid day, and it seemed like his parents weren’t pleased with his sudden disappearance.

“I went out last night and fell asleep at a friends house. Sorry, mum. I’ll be home soon.” She was silent a while before he nearly hung up, assuming she had.

“Out? Liam – what do you mean _out?_ You can’t-“

“I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I left. I’ll be home soon.” He said with a small sigh and clicked off on the call. Of course he knew it would come back and bite him later, but for the moment, he didn’t want to think about the consequences of doing something. He always did that, always dwelled on the later – and it altered his perception of the _now,_ usually in a negative way. So, he didn’t want to do that anymore.

“She didn’t sound pleased.” Zayn said and rolled his shoulders back.

“Understandably. I probably should have let her know.” That got a little nod from Zayn before he walked into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. He was still half naked, which amused Liam to no end.

He didn’t answer after that and the only noise in the room came from the television, which was now on some film that he didn’t recognize. A girl was riding her bike with a boy beside her, the two of them talking about their future. How cheesy.

“Are you feeling better?” Zayn asked after a moment of silence, both from him and the telly.

“Much. How are you feeling?”

“I feel nice. I like this.” Liam wasn’t entirely sure what _this_ implied, but he wasn’t going to ask. Whatever _this_ was, he liked it too.

 

He’d gotten home about an hour later to a still-slightly-angry mother and an unconcerned father (who’d helped with the argument that he really did need to get out of the house sometimes because it was good for his mental health). But they’d all agreed that, even if he was an adult, he was still living with them and had to follow their rules. Which included asking to go places. A bit of a burden, yes, but there wasn’t much else that he could do at that point.

He took a shower for the first time in a few days before lounging around on the couch. He hadn’t gotten the hangover that Zayn had said he’d gotten, so he was going to leave him alone. He’d mentioned something about probably not coming by until he felt better.

So he watched a few films and ate three sandwiches before the familiar sound of a key in the lock echoed through the house. “Liam, I brought coffee. From the place down the street.”

“My savior.” He responded with a little laugh and let Zayn sit beside him. They watched another film together, an old one about a waitress who protected a schizophrenic customer, before Zayn spoke again.

“About last night,” He said and Liam looked at him with furrowed eyebrows, “Your parents phoned my after I dropped you off, said they recognized my car… and pretty much said it was entirely inappropriate for us to do what we did. So, I apologize for pressing boundaries.”

“Zayn, you didn’t-“

“No, Liam, they’re right. What I did was wrong.”

“I’m an adult. They don’t get to decide what is inappropriate for me to do in my spare time. We didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Are you sure?”

“’Course. I had a lot of fun, actually. Thank you for taking me.” That got a smile from Zayn and they ordered take out for lunch. The same as usual, a large pizza for the two of them to split. It still made Liam wonder how exactly Zayn could afford all of the fast food that they ordered, but he never questioned it. The financial side of Zayn’s life wasn’t his business.

 

 

It was a few months before he got the message from Zayn that he supposed he’d been expecting all along.

He couldn’t work with him anymore because he’d found an actual _paying_ job that took up the hours he used to work with him. It was expected, really. Working for no pay wasn’t something he should have expected of Zayn for so long, but he’d gotten so used to it – so used to having him around as often as he had been.

It made no sense, though, why he was so sad. He knew that. He knew that he didn’t _need_ Zayn, he didn’t _need_ help. But he needed Zayn’s friendship. That much he’d gotten far too attached to to let go of, but he wasn’t entirely sure if they could even consider what they had a friendship. He was most likely just so lonely that considering Zayn a friend made things easier on him.

He felt really… empty, though. It was like something was gone and suddenly he was angry. The idea of losing Zayn made him angry. Because of course, _of course,_ he wouldn’t come around anymore now that he didn’t have to. Why would he? It was such a struggle for him to go anywhere. He never left his house without someone unless it was just around the block. Why would anyone want to stay around him when he was like this?

Zayn: I’m really sorry, mate.

Liam: That’s alright. I understand.

Zayn didn’t respond after that. His phone didn’t go off for the rest of the day, actually. So he drained his battery with three and a half hours of Candy Crush before he just went to sleep.

The day after that, nothing.

The next day, nothing.

Nothing.

He’d been right. Zayn had just been here because he was supposed to be. So maybe that hurt a little bit, but he didn’t want anyone to know that.

“How are you holding up, Li?” His mum asked on the third day.

“Fine. I told you I didn’t need him.” He said with a shrug, taking a drink of the semi-warm cup of tea sitting on the table beside him.

“I know that you don’t need him, love. But you seem a bit sad without him around here every day.”

“I’m fine, really. I don’t care.” The look on her face told him she knew that she didn’t believe him, but he didn’t want to seem like an idiot, so he left it at that.

“Alright. Lunch?”

“Okay.”

 

It was a week before he asked his parents to talk to him again. It was such a rare occasion that they all sat down with the intent to talk that they both knew it was important. Or at least he hoped they did.

Liam: I want to move out.

Silence.

Shocked faces.

Both of them, in unison: What?

Dad: No

Mom: You can’t – you can’t live on your own.

Liam: I want to go to school on campus, and live there. I don’t want to… burden you guys anymore.

That sparked it into an argument. But maybe arguing was better than never talking about the things that they needed to talk about most.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: smut. But not like, kinky smut. Like, cute smut. :-D

The argument ended with Liam’s mom crying and his dad pinching the bridge of his nose as he refused to let them talk him out of leaving. He was old enough to move out, and he wasn’t unable to take care of himself. He really had no reason to stay, and he certainly didn’t intend to. “Where are you even going to _go?”_ His mom asked through more tears. He felt bad, hated making her cry, but he wasn’t going to let the guilt get to him.

“At semester, in two weeks, I want to move on campus. I want to take real classes instead of being on my laptop for them.”

“Liam someone could drive you there, you don’t have to live there.”

“I want to, mom. I’m an adult, and I’m ready to move out. It’s my decision.”

“Alright.” She surrendered and poured the last of the coffee in the machine into three cups, giving one to each of them. That was always what they did after a rough argument or when someone was upset. They sat and drank coffee in silence, just letting everyone think about what happened.

 

Zayn decided to break his silence four days after that. When his name flashed across Liam’s mobile, he had to read it three times to make sure he wasn’t just imagining it. But it was Zayn. That much was more than confirmed when he heard the voice on the other end.

“Liam! Liam, hey. Sorry I haven’t called in a while. I just got like, incredibly busy with finals and work. But it’s all good now, so, like, would you wanna come over?” He wasn’t entirely sure what to say. He wasn’t entirely sure he _could_ say anything. His chest felt heavy, his mouth opened but no sound would come out. “Liam?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’d love to come over.” The words came, finally. But maybe those weren’t the words he’d really wanted to say. Maybe he should have screamed and shouted at him for leaving without even a damn goodbye – but that wouldn’t have been appropriate. So he didn’t.

“Cool. Want me to come get you?”

“Sure.”

“See you in fifteen!” Then the line went dead and Liam was off to get dressed. Without leaving the house much or anyone seeing him except his parents, he rarely changed out of pajamas. He had no reason to, but it did feel good to put jeans on.

“Are you going somewhere?” His mum asked when he went into the family room, fully dressed.

“Yeah, I’m gonna go hang out with Zayn.”

“Zayn?” She asked, her eyebrows raising. It hurt a bit that she doubted his friend-making abilities, but she had every reason to. He didn’t really leave the house. “Are you two mates now, then?”

“I guess so. He’s nice to be around.”

“Have fun, love. Dinner will be ready around seven.”

“Alright. I’ll call you if I’ll be home later.” Maybe he still acted a bit like a teenager, but he didn’t see anything wrong with it. He lived with his parents, so he had to respect them. And if respecting them meant telling his mum he wouldn’t be home for dinner, he would do exactly that. So he smiled and wheeled out of the front door, going down his ramp (not too fast, in case Zayn was watching) and putting his breaks on at the bottom before pulling his phone out.

He looked around the street for Zayn’s car and didn’t see it, so he opened up Candy Crush before a familiar voice was calling his name.

“Liam?” He turned to look at who it was, smiling wider when he saw the lanky little blond walking towards him. “Holy shit, dude, I haven’t seen you since school. How have you been?” Niall had been one of the only people who hadn’t abandoned him as a friend after his accident. He’d always lived across the street, but he’d moved that last year into a different village and they’d lost contact after that.

“I’ve been alright, how about you?”

“I’ve been pretty good, yeah. You look good. Happy? What’s got you excited?” Niall was odd in the way that, even if they didn’t speak for years, they could still act like they were best friends. Well, maybe he didn’t need to act. They’d always be close, no matter what.

“My friend’s comin’ to pick me up.”

“Good, good. I hope you have fun, yeah? Oh, can I give you my new number too? I miss you, mate.”

“Sure. I miss you too.” He handed him his cell phone and let him punch his number in right as Zayn’s car was pulling up. “See ya, Ni.” He said with a smile, taking the phone back and putting it in his pocket as the man walked away with a ‘goodbye!’.

Zayn helped him into his car, folding his chair up and sticking it into the back like always, before climbing into the driver’s side seat. But he didn’t start the car up, just looked at him, and Liam furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”

He stared for just a moment longer before sighing, “I’m sorry I didn’t phone earlier. I really am.”

“Why are you apologizing, it’s alright.”

“I think it was an accident, but like, you left me this voicemail on my machine…” His heart suddenly felt heavier and then it dropped into his stomach.

“I… what was on it?”

“Well, um,” Zayn’s face tinted slightly red, “Fuck I shouldn’t have brought this up but –“

“C’mon, mate. What was on it?”

“I heard you moaning my name.” _oh._

Liam’s cheeks were entirely warm at that point. His entire body was, actually, and it had been like that for the last ten minutes. Neither of them said anything else, even as Zayn pulled away and drove towards his flat. He was embarrassed. Incredibly embarrassed, actually, and in that moment, jumping out of the car probably would have felt better than what his heart and stomach felt like.

But he didn’t jump out of the car, just out of his seat slightly when Zayn spoke again and broke the silence. “I mean, that’s definitely not why I didn’t call you for so long or anything. I wasn’t lying when I said I was just really busy…”

“I’m uh, really sorry. I didn’t – I certainly didn’t mean for you to hear that. Oh my god. I’m completely humiliated.”

“No, like, it was … hot. I’ve been tryin’ to figure out how to ask if I could hear it in person for like four days.” Liam didn’t respond for a second, words once again not coming to him. “I mean, obviously you don’t have to – shit. Ignore me.”

“Yes. I want to.” He couldn’t help but smile at the little grin was plastered over Zayn’s face.

 

So maybe that was how he ended up laying on his back, naked, on Zayn’s bed. Zayn’s mouth was like fucking _magic –_ the way it worked over his neck had him moaning and grasping at the comforter below him.

“Zayn, Christ.” He panted as he bit softly into the skin on his neck.

“You okay?” Zayn was straddling him, legs on either side of Liam’s, just inches away from being able to grind down into him.

“Yes, yes, just please don’t stop.”

“Course not, love.” So he kissed around his neck for a while, teeth nipping and biting softly before trailing his kisses down his chest. Zayn’s hands moved down his sides roughly before he grabbed his cock, slowly stroking as he took one of his nipples into his mouth. Liam was naked, but Zayn still had his boxers on, so he reached down to palm at him through his boxers, getting a small groan from the man above him. “Your hands are so nice – small – they feel good.”

That made Liam blush, so he just pulled Zayn up to kiss him again, harder, trying to take whatever control that he could get. “I want you –“ He was still blushing.

“Want what, babe?” Zayn asked, a smirk on his face and his voice sounding lower than usual.

“Want you inside of me.” Pause, pant, “Please.” Zayn couldn’t resist that, so he moved back, taking Liam’s legs and pushing his knees to his chest. Liam held his legs there, but he kept watching exactly what it was that Zayn was doing. His heart was pounding and he couldn’t tell if it was out of nervousness or excitement. He’d never been with another man – never like this. Only girls, and even that had been years ago. But _god_ he’d gotten himself off with the idea of how good Zayn’s hands would feel on him so many times, and it certainly had lived up to be what he’d expected.

His heart skipped a beat when he heard the pop of the cap on the bottle of lube and watched Zayn slicking up his fingers. “Wait,” the other man said, “You’ve done this before, right?”

“No.” Zayn paused a moment and then just placed a kiss on Liam’s knee.

“Okay. Tell me if you’re uncomfortable and I’ll stop.” He nodded. Zayn kissed at his thighs again as he pressed a finger inside of him, Liam’s eyes falling shut for a moment, breaths coming out short. “Alright?” It made Liam feel good that Zayn cared so much, that he wanted to make sure that he was okay.

“Alright.”

“Good. I’m gonna add another finger, kay?” He nodded and took a breath as he did, and then Zayn’s other hand was moving over his dick and he couldn’t help another little moan. It didn’t hurt, really, just burned a bit. Zayn was so soft and careful and it made him feel good.

But then Zayn moved his fingers and Liam _whined,_ loud in the back of his throat. “Oh god, that felt good. Do that again. Please.” He pretended not to notice Zayn’s smug little smile as he moved his fingers in little circles in that same spot.

Liam was writhing. He wasn’t entirely sure what kinds of noises he was making, but he certainly didn’t care. His eyes were closed, head against the mattress and nails digging into his own thighs. He couldn’t move his arms away from his legs, otherwise he’d have pulled Zayn closer.

“I’m gonna make you come like this, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah okay.” Liam said, eyes opening to look at Zayn as he felt another finger added beside the first two. It was so much, it felt so good. Zayn’s hand against his cock sped up, his thumb circling over the head once and that was all it took before he came with a loud moan.

Zayn kissed his knee again, and then the other one, before taking his arms away from his legs and letting them fall back to the bed.

“Can I suck you off?” He looked up to Zayn who laughed at his question.

“As if you’d even need to ask. How?” That question took Liam a second to figure out, but before long, Zayn was sitting at the edge of the bed and Liam was kneeling in between his legs, Zayn’s arms holding his shoulders for support.

He wasn’t hesitant or scared, really. Perhaps a little nervous he wasn’t going to make Zayn feel good, but that was it. So he took the head of his dick into his mouth and gave a small suck, tongue swirling around as he moved his head down slowly. That got a moan out of Zayn, his hands squeezing his shoulders softly, so he knew he’d done something right.

He pushed his head down as far as he could, bobbing his head up and down for a while, his hand moving over the length that he couldn’t get to with his mouth. He only pulled away for a moment to catch his breath and kissed over the tip, licking up the shaft and kissing right beneath the head.

“You feel so good, Li, shit.”

The pet name made his heart swell and he took him back into his mouth, bobbing his head again before looking up at Zayn through his eyelashes. Zayn came then with a soft moan and an apology for not warning him, but Liam didn’t mind.

 

They ended up falling asleep later that night with Liam laying mostly on top of Zayn as a movie played in the background. They’d never gotten dressed. Zayn had gotten a wet towel to clean both of them off, but no clothing was necessary. It was nice to be naked around Zayn, really. He wasn’t embarrassed at all.

Harry didn’t scream that time when he walked in Zayn’s room asking what he wanted for dinner.

Progress.


	6. Chapter 6

Liam ended up putting clothes on so he could go eat the spaghetti Harry made for the three of them. Zayn just walked around in his boxers, which Liam wasn’t complaining about of course, but he wasn’t quite comfortable around Harry to be able to not at least have pants on.

It turned out that Zayn hadn’t been kidding when he said Harry was a very good cook, and Liam said it at least twice before he got a, “shut up, Liam. He knows. You’re floatin’ his ego, now.” Through a mouthful of noodles with a laugh from Zayn. He felt good being there, being surrounded by people his age and just being _free._ It was rare he ever saw a day without his parents, so maybe that was why he was so excited to be away from home, but really it was just because he liked being around Zayn and Harry. They had this vibe around the two of them that Liam was attracted to.  

“So are you two like, a thing now?” Harry asked after a few minutes of silence, pointing a finger between the two of them with a little smile. Zayn and Liam both glanced at each other for a moment before Liam just shrugged. He wasn’t entirely sure what they were – a _thing,_ maybe – but friends was just a better word. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to think of he and Zayn as a thing. Sure, he liked him, he liked his company, but it was too new.

He pretended not to notice the way Zayn’s face twisted, and he definitely pretended not to see the way he took his plate to the sink to wash it to hide it.

 

He ended up going back to bed with Zayn that night, cuddling with his head laying on his chest. It felt good to listen to his heartbeats, to watch the way his stomach rose and fell with each breath in the perfect, even pattern that said he was asleep. Liam liked this, he liked sleeping with someone, he liked being around people, but going too fast never got him where he wanted to be.

He was guilty, the feeling was heavy in his chest, but he wasn’t even sure if he could fix it. The look that had gone over Zayn’s face kept playing back in his head and each time his heart would get heavy until he looked to see his sleeping face to replace the image. He fell asleep with the guilt when the glow of Zayn’s table clock said two-something am.

 

It was a week and a half later before Liam was putting the very last of his boxes into his dad’s SUV to be taken to his new home. It was a small, double-person dorm nearest to his building on campus. It wasn’t even on the bottom floor! Something simple like that actually really did excite Liam, even if it was just because there was an elevator.

He hadn’t met the second person who was to be living with him just yet, but his dad promised he was a good guy, so he wasn’t worrying. Or maybe he was, but he told his dad he wasn’t.

His heart was beating faster and faster as they got closer to the school. Everyone always seems to be excited about moving out, but he was beyond thrilled. There were so many freedoms that he just didn’t get, even if he was completely able to do them, and now he was getting them back.

 

His dorm was all set up within an hour and a half, and he hugged his dad goodbye before he was gone and he was left alone in his new room. There were posters on the walls, some of bands, one big world map, three of random art prints that he’d ordered online, and a bulletin board that had been in his room at home since he was in elementary school. He just couldn’t let that one go.

There was a strong feeling of satisfaction – maybe even happiness – as he moved to sit on his bed, back against the wall and pulled his laptop onto his lap. He opened up his student portal, clicking around to find room numbers and building numbers before he heard a knock on his door and quirked an eyebrow, “Come in!”

Zayn walked in with two cups in his hand, smiling. “Hey, I ran into your dad on my way home from class, he gave me your room number. I didn’t know you decided to live on campus?”

“I didn’t tell you?” He laughed slightly, trying to remember telling him, but he hadn’t.

“No, but that’s alright. I brought you a coffee.” Zayn had bounced back from his sadness by the morning after he’d hurt his feeling, which made Liam feel much, much better. So he scooted over on his bed, putting his laptop at the foot of it and patting the spot next to him.

“Sit down, I missed you.” He couldn’t help but smile when he said it, unsure if it was a weird thing to say – but frankly, he didn’t care. It was true.

“I missed you too, Li.” Zayn said, sitting next to him and putting an arm around his shoulders. Liam decided to take the initiative that time and kissed the other boy softly on his mouth and then on his cheek.

Yeah, he’d missed him.

 

 

It turned out that Zayn actually missed him, too, most days. Sometimes he’d see it in the way he’d run up to him on campus and just say hi or talk about completely random things or tell a stupid joke before he’d have to run off to class again. But he never really connected the dots that maybe – just maybe – he really liked that, until Zayn ran up to him on his way back to his dorm and asked him to have lunch with him.

There was a small little sushi place on campus, which Zayn had taken them to and rolled his eyes as Liam took ten minutes to figure out what was on everything and thought about what he would or wouldn’t like.

“Liam,” Zayn started, his own menu folded up on the table in front of him and he looked up, setting his own down.

“Zayn,” He returned, his heart suddenly beating faster. He was afraid that the other was going to drop some kind of bad news on to him again – like his family was moving to Ireland, or he’d gotten a job as a janitor in Antarctica. But he didn’t say anything else, just looked at him a moment, waiting.

“I’ve been thinkin’ a little,” Zayn paused, glancing around for a moment, his fingers folding together like he was nervous. “You know like, I usually don’t like commitment, or whatever. I kind of just like to do whatever, but like… I really like you?” Liam blinked twice. “And um, like, after that night you stayed over I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit more than I think I should be, but I was wondering if you would like to be my boyfriend?”

So, he wasn’t moving to Antarctica.

But words wouldn’t work, for some reason. He wanted to say yes, but for some reason he couldn’t even grasp that it was a word.

“Sorry, that was stupid. I’m stupid – we’re just friends. Right.” Zayn said, looking away again, but this time he didn’t look nervous, just sad.

“No, no, I – yes, I would love to be your boyfriend.” He turned to look back at him, then, smiling again.

“Thanks for the scare, mate.” Liam just winked.

“That’s my specialty.”

 

They ended up taking several different kinds of what the restaurant had back to Liam’s dorm because he still hadn’t been able to pick after ten more minutes of thinking, but maybe he’d done that on purpose to get Zayn to come back with him. Maybe not.

 

Zayn had slept over that night, both of them shoved onto his twin bed with their limbs tangled and some sitcom playing in the background. His roommate hadn’t come home until around two, like most nights, and then he left at eight. So either way, he was always gone before Liam ever even woke up.

But this time when he woke up to an empty bed that still smelled like Zayn’s cologne and a note that said, “Had to work xx See you later” he wished he wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What day would you guys want me to update? Saturday or sunday? I'm trying to get into that update-weekly mode.
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	7. Chapter 7

The week went by smoothly, uneventfully. His classes were fairly simple, much easier than they had been online, and the coursework really wasn’t getting to him as much as he’d fear it would when he started having a bit more of a social life. Things were balancing out well, and he certainly wasn’t going to complain. There was just this deep feeling of contentment and he couldn’t entirely think about _why,_ but he knew that it had something to do with Zayn. Zayn made him feel happy and wanted almost all the time – no _all_ the time. Sometimes it was difficult for him just to wrap his head around the idea of such a wonderful person actually being his boyfriend.

But he did, and he was very happy.

( From: Zee 4:12 pm )

_Hey, I was thinkin abt goin out tonight for dinner? Interested?_ _J_

( To: Zee 4:13pm )

_Sure. Where?_

( From: Zee 4:15pm )

_Surprise. B there at 5:30 to come get u xx_

Liam stared at the phone in his hand with a quirked eyebrow, almost as if Zayn could see the look on his face before he just laughed. Sometimes he really did wonder how Zayn had enough money to go out to eat like he did all the time, but it wasn’t really his place to ask, so he never did. Even if he did feel like a sponge – as one of his mates had so elegantly put it. One of these days he’d get enough money to take Zayn out to a fancy dinner and be able to treat him, today just wasn’t the day.

 

At (exactly) 5:30, there was a knock on Liam’s door and he smiled, shouting a simple, “come in!” when he heard it. He pressed save on the word document he’d been working on – the latest Essay about gender roles in food marketing – and turned around, a little surprised to not find Liam in the door way. “Oh, hey dad. What’s up?” Maybe he was a little disappointed, but he could chat with his dad for a bit.

“Nothing, son. I just wanted to see if you’d like to come home for dinner tonight? Your mother is making that lasagna you like.” Uh oh.

“Um,” he started, watching the way his father’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Um?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve sort of already made plans.”

“Plans?” His dad had always been the kind of person who genuinely hated being turned down, so he did feel a bit guilty at having to do so. “The agreement of you moving out was that you’d come over once a week, Liam. It’s been two weeks now.”

“Dad –“

“Come over for dinner. Then you can go do whatever it was that you were going to do.”

“Dad I was –“

“Liam, stop arguing with me.”

“I’m twenty years old dad. I want to go out tonight, so I’m going out. Alright? I’ll come by for dinner tomorrow. I’ve already made dinner plans for tonight.” His dad narrowed his eyes and Liam could only watch with a guilty heart as he turned around.

Until he turned around and ran into Zayn, standing at the other side of the door. Then it wasn’t so much guilt as it was fear.

 

It was an awkward feeling, sitting on his bed in his room, Zayn sitting at the desk, and his dad standing in the middle of the room with his arms crossed. He felt like he was sixteen again. “So, what is this then?” His dad had finally spoken up, after a few minutes of just standing there in silence.

“Mr. Payne –“ Zayn looked confused, which was exactly what Liam was feeling. But he really did feel bad for Zayn, he hadn’t asked for an adult boyfriend with parents that treated him like a teenager.

“Answer the question.”

“We’re dating.” The silence that hung around wasn’t exactly comfortable. Really, it was the worst feeling Liam could think could’ve happened in that moment.

“So you abused a position of authority? Do you realize what kind of terrible thing that is to do? My son needed someone to take care of him, not to _fuck_ h-“

“Dad!” Liam finally said, the sudden shout making the silence come back. His father sucked a breath between his teeth and looked at Liam again, focus moving away from Zayn.

“This can’t happen.”

“Yes, it can. And it will. I know you don’t think I’m an adult, but I am. I’m twenty years old dad. I can move out and take care of myself without conditions. I can date who I want without your approval. I can tell you I don’t want to come over for dinner.” He had been wanting to say this for so long – it felt good. “I know you think I’m fragile and can’t take care of myself. Mum too. But I can, really. I promise. I’m used to this. I can take care of myself. Please let me.” Maybe it was Zayn’s talk, or maybe he’d actually managed to just get fed up with being treated like a child. But even the pained look on his father’s face didn’t manage to strike the guilt into him that time.

 

Even after apologizing for ten minutes, though, Liam didn’t feel any better about putting Zayn through all of that. Apparently he’d made reservations at a restaurant that wouldn’t accept them walking in an hour late, so they ended up just getting take out again.

“I’m really sorry, Zayn. I didn’t think he’d show up.”

“Stop, Liam, it’s not a big deal.” But he really didn’t sound all that convincing.

“It kind of is, though. I mean – he ruined our night. If I’d have just stood up to him that wouldn’t have happened.”

“You did stand up to him. It just took a minute was all, love.” Zayn said with a smile that looked actually sincere, and Liam decided to finally just shut up.

 

His dad left him alone after that. He actually left him alone… entirely. No calls, no answering his calls or texts… nothing. He was just left in silence. Even if he couldn’t say that he was very _happy_ about it, he couldn’t really say he was sad either. So he just let it happen.

 

He went to Zayn’s place a lot and started cooking for the both of them (with recipes stolen from Harry) a bit more often (to save Zayn some money), and things were going well. He was happy.

“Honey, I’m home!” Zayn said as he walked into his apartment that day, as he did most days when he left Liam alone. He’d found a lot of entertainment in invading his very impressive collection of movies.

“Hey, babe. How was class?”

“It was pretty good. How was your day?”

“Pretty good. I made some cookies and abused your couch.”

“Abused my couch?” Zayn said with a little laugh, sitting down beside him and kissing his jaw.

“Yeah, I sat on it all day. It’s quite comfortable.”

“You’re a dork.”

“Only sometimes.” He said with a little laugh, pulling Zayn closer to him to kiss him harder. He always missed him. Whether he was gone for ten minutes or ten days, he was pretty sure he’d never get used to him being gone.

“Handsy today, love?” Zayn said with a little smile, quirking an eyebrow.

“Missed you.” Was the only thing he could think of saying before kissing his neck and biting softly. He was pretty sure Zayn got the hint at that point, because he wrapped his arms around him and carried him to his bedroom.

 

Zayn’s fingers were like magic. No – no Zayn’s fingers _were_ fucking magic. It was like every touch made Liam’s body feel warm, made his whimper or grab at the sheets, made his palms sweaty, made him willing to beg for anything more. Zayn had one finger pressed inside of him to the knuckle, curved slightly enough to press against his prostate. Liam’s head was back against the bed, breath shallow already. His legs were on Zayn’s shoulders, one of the other’s hands pumping over his fully hard dick.

“Za-ayn.” Liam moaned out as he added another finger, scissoring them out and curving the both of them towards his prostate. He was fisting at the blankets at that point, his eyes falling shut.

“Feel good, love?” Zayn asked with a grin and all Liam could do was nod.

“Want you to fuck me.”

“Almost.” Zayn was always so careful and sure when he prepped him, always made sure that he wasn’t going to hurt him. In the moment, it drove Liam up the wall, but afterwards it never failed to make his heart swell. There were so many little things about Zayn that he couldn’t help but realize that he really did love. But he couldn’t stay thinking about that for long before there was another finger inside of him and his moans filled the mostly silent room.

It wasn’t long after that before Zayn’s fingers were gone and he was being pulled up closer to him, Zayn’s lips just barely brushing his before he pushed inside of him, so slowly that Liam wanted to pull his hair out. But he was okay with slow when it came to Zayn.

The slowest of things with him always were the most exciting.

 

“Zayn!” Liam called out, smiling softly as he heard the footsteps coming.

“Yes, love?” He had no shirt on, and Liam thought for a moment that he’d interrupted something, but he couldn’t say he was too worried about that.

“Can we get a cat?”

“What?”

“A cat.”

“I heard but… why a cat?”

“Because … they’re cute. And soft. And It’ll sit on my lap and let me pet it and probably interrupt us while we’re trying to fuck but then it’ll be funny and can you _imagine_ Harry’s face if he walked in while the little baby was walking around?”

“A cat.” Zayn said, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. “Would this happen to have anything to do with the fact that you’re on the “Most Adorable Cats” facebook page instead of writing your essay?”

“No…” He’d locked himself in Zayn’s room and told him not to come distract him because he really did walk into the room with the intent to finish the essay… but then his friend had invited him to like the page and a half an hour was gone before he could really notice too much. “But look at this one! Look at it’s little tongue, Zayn. It’s so cute.” He turned the laptop screen towards the other man and smiled, watching as he shook his head and smiled.

“Maybe if you finish your essay.”

“Deal.”

 

Zayn had been right. The cat idea had just been spastic because he was bored about writing the analysis of the poem that had been assigned. It had been brought up again over dinner about a week later and Liam had realized that they couldn’t really afford the money or time that would be involved in the idea of raising a cat. Zayn’s flat didn’t allow animals, either.

But even without an animal, there was nothing lonely about the flat. Liam had been spending more time here lately than he did at his dorm, and neither boy minded. So it was a really nice thing. With the end of the year coming up, he knew that they’d soon enough get to spend even more time together – the only thing that could keep them apart when school was on break was work.

But there were the nights like tonight that Liam did have to go home to his little dorm, even if it was rare. It was mostly because Liam felt bad about staying around so often, and Harry’s jokes about him paying rent didn’t help much. Of course he knew they were jokes, but he never did feel any better about them.

 

Liam ended up staying at his place for a little over a week while they both studied for final exams. Sometimes they’d meet up for coffee or grab dinner together, but they were both a little too busy to focus on their love lives for the time being. And that way okay, it was healthy to be apart for a while.

His mom had called him once, saying his father was still a little upset with him blowing up on him. But she wanted him over for dinner and he said he would as soon as finals were done with and he had some free time. She took that fairly well and had even asked how Zayn was. Well, after she’d asked if they were having protected sex. Which he’d, shamefully, said yes to. Even if they weren’t. Some things moms just didn’t need to hear.

 

Other than that, the time went on. The week went by and the tests were miserable, but everything was fine. He and Zayn were planning on meeting up again the next day, so he curled up in bed with a pillow that night and pretended it was him.

 

( From: Zee 3:07 am )

_Hey, um, I’m headed back home this weekend. I was… wondering if you’d like to come._

( From: Zee 3:10 am )

_Is that weird?_

( From: Zee 3:21 am )

_You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, obviously._

( To: Zee 3:21 am )

_I’d love to come, Zee. Stop worrying and go to sleep, ok?_

( From: Zee 3: 22 am )

_Okay. Night night xx_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this was a bit of a filler chapter. But there will be angst next chapter!
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. I usually really hate stories that use point of view switches - but this is kind of key to this part of the story. So you get a little bit more of The Before and you get a little Zayn POV. I apologize if this is at all confusing, and if it is feel free to ask any questions and I'll answer as long as it won't spoil anything else :-)

**{ THEN, before the accident }**

“Okay, so, you’re going to come over for dinner before right?” Anne-Marie asked, leaning back against the locker that was closed right beside his own. She’d been going on about prom for almost a month now, anxious, nervous, excited, analyzing every single detail to make sure it was all going to be alright.

“Of course, babe. I’ll be over at six and then we’ll drive over together right afterwards.”

“Okay, okay, and you have that purple tie to match my dress and the-“ He kissed her, then, a polite way to get her to stop talking. He liked the idea of going to prom, but he certainly didn’t like the idea of worrying about it for months before hand.

“It’ll be fine, love. Everything is going to be fine.” She finally smiled and nodded before kissing him.

 

The night of the dance was finally here. He had his purple tie on and the little flower-in-a-box he’d picked up for Anne-Marie. What it was called, he couldn’t remember, but he was just so incredibly happy to be with the girl that he sometimes thought that maybe he loved. She was the kind of girl that he could only really compare to a movie girl. She had shoulder length red hair and light colored brown eyes with these freckles that made a little path right over her nose and down her cheeks.

Love was a weird word to Liam, in his head, he always thought that love was the kind of thing that you only said to someone who you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. But this was the first time that he thought that it was possible.

So when he was sitting at the table with Anne-Marie, their hands intertwined under the table, he didn’t want to be anywhere else.

 

The dance was beautiful. Lights strung from the ceiling and the walls, everyone was dressed to the best they could, Anne-Marie was smiling and had her hand intertwined with his. They danced to the beat of slow songs and fast beats that he could spin her around to.

“I love you.” He whispered in her ear in between songs.

She smiled and stood on her tip toes, “I love you too.”

But that was the last time she said it before the accident, and that was also the last time she ever spoke to him.

 

**{ NOW }**

Zayn’s eyes were nearly sparkling the entire drive towards Bradford. He could see the excitement in his face and he could feel it in the way he sang along to the radio so much louder than he usually did. It was about a four hour drive from London to Bradford, so he knew that the drive was going to be long and had brought a pillow to sleep during, but he suddenly didn’t want to. The way he was so energized, so excited, made him happy, too.

 

They pulled over at a little diner about thirty minutes outside of London and got a few cups of coffee so they could kill a little time. Zayn’s parents were expecting them around six pm, right in time for dinner, and it was only just past one now. So they had to kill at least a little time.

The waitress set two cups down in front of them with a little smile before pouring the coffee into the cups and setting a dish out with the creams and sugars. It had been so long since Liam had gone to a restaurant with anyone other than Zayn that it would almost feel _weird_ to go with anyone except him.

“What’s a cat’s favorite subject in school?” Zayn asked after a moment, taking a small drink of the coffee in front of him and looking at Liam with a little grin.

“Mm, not sure. What?”

“ _Mew-_ sic.” Liam threw a splenda packet at him and laughed when it bounced off of his nose.

 

It was a weird realization that he could be around Zayn for the rest of his life and there wouldn’t be a single thing he could find wrong with that thought. They’d known each other just about seven months, even if there had been weeks during that time where they hadn’t spoken, but Liam felt like he’d known him for so long. Even after only dating for about four and a half, he felt like there was just something _right_ between them.

Well, he did think about things like that a lot. But they were awkward fleeting thoughts. The future was a long time away, but he never did like to shut down his imagination. Imagining himself having a future with Zee made his heart flutter in a way it hadn’t since secondary school. He felt like he had a little teenage boy crush; all the sudden and too-fast feelings were all welled up in his chest, but the adult side of him wouldn’t ever let him say them out loud. He couldn’t help but wonder, though, if Zayn thought about the same things.

Probably not.

Strangely, though, Liam didn’t mind. He didn’t mind the fact that he was imagining a future too fast with someone who probably was still only thinking about graduating in a few weeks, but he liked to imagine. That was why he’d decided to major in writing and literature. Making up stories was just the kind of thing he always found himself doing.

Maybe this was like, science fiction. A possibility, but not very likely.

He fell asleep with that thought, watching Zayn’s eyes stay focused on the road and smiling at the way he danced while he drove.

 

It felt like he had barely slept a few moments before he was being shaken awake and turned to see Zayn standing on his side of the car. He helped him out right after that, but Liam wasn’t paying too much attention.

It made a lot more sense, then, why Zayn could afford to get take out so often.

His house was _huge._ It wasn’t exactly what he’d been expecting to see when Zayn woke him up, but really that was the one thing he actually hadn’t ever thought about. He never even considered him to have come from a wealthy family – he just didn’t have that… vibe to him. It was unexpected. Then again, a lot in his life was. The unexpected tended to show up a lot in his life.

“Let’s go inside.” Zayn said after he let liam have his moment of shock and he wheeled himself up the pathway. The grass was really, really green. It was weird that _that_ was what took Liam aback – but it did. He never remembered to water his lawn and his dad didn’t either, so their grass was always this shade of – what he always called – sort of alive. It was a green with an off brown tint to it. But this grass was vibrant green, and it was so _weird._

Zayn helped him up the two steps that led to the front door and fished out a key, pressing it in the door and getting the both of them about two feet inside before a teenage girl ran up and hugged him. “Zayn!” She said, and he picked her up and spun her around with a smile.

“Hey Saf, where’s mum and dad?”

“They went to go get something for dinner before you showed up. I’m sure they’ll be happy you’re here when they get back, though.” She paused as he put her down and turned to Liam. “You’re Liam, right? Zayn didn’t shut up about you on the phone.” Zayn smiled and Liam just laughed at that.

“Yeah, I’m Liam. You’re…”

“Safaa.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too.” She took Zayn’s hand and took him to the living room and Liam just followed, unsure what else he was really expected to do. Meeting Zee’s family had seemed like a good idea until he was actually here. It was weird that he hadn’t been at all nervous until right now.

 

It was twenty minutes before Zayn’s parents were walking in the door. Liam was half way through his second cup of tea and was chatting with Safaa and Waliyha. Zayn had another sister – who’s name he suddenly couldn’t really remember – but she had to work and wasn’t able to make it until tomorrow. Zayn didn’t look too put off by it, so Liam didn’t worry either.

“Zayn, love!” A woman said, walking in and setting the groceries down before wrapping her arms around him and kissing his cheek. “And you must be Liam?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He said with a smile.

 

The first thirty minutes were awkward, maybe just because Liam found everything to be awkward, but after that everything was okay. They were all laughing and smiling without any hesitation. He wasn’t entirely sure he’d seen Zayn look this happy in a long time, either, and it made his heart feel good.

Seeing Zayn happy never failed to make him happy.

He looked over at him, then, and Zayn put an arm around his shoulder. It felt good to be there with him. His heart was pounding and he thought for a second that that dreaded word he hadn’t thought of since high school was back again.

That made him feel sick.

 

**ZAYN**

Liam had surrendered off to bed around ten PM, apologizing as he went but no one had taken any offense to it. He was normally asleep by now, too, but he just wanted to have another few words with his parents. They hadn’t seen each other in a little too long to call four hours long enough of a catch up.

His mother made him another cup of tea and they all sat down at the dining room table. The silence was a little too thick for a moment and he was almost uncomfortable until his father spoke up, softly. “Zayn, son. Is this the boy you were … supervising?”

“Yeah, why?” He asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“Well son I know that you can’t exactly help who you fall for, but I don’t think this is going to look good for our company.” His mother chimed in, making a circular motion with her hands as if that would help make the words make any more sense. But the worst part was that they did. His major was physical therapy because that was what his parents did. They owned a physical therapy facility in Bradford.

It wasn’t what he’d wanted to do. He’d always wanted to be an art major, always wanted to create something or try to make the world different somehow with what he could make. But that had been something he’d had to give up because his parents said they knew what was best for him.

 “No one needs to know that he was a client –“ He hadn’t even thought about that until now, hadn’t even thought about how it could affect his parent’s reputation and suddenly his head hurt.

“But they will know, eventually.”

“What are you saying, then?” Of course, in a way, he knew exactly what they were saying, but he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear that he was going to have to break up with the person that he cared for so much. But his parents knew what was best, right?

“I’m saying that you should both enjoy this weekend, but then whatever it is that’s between you two needs to stop.”

 

Zayn crawled up to bed that night and wrapped his arms around a sleeping Liam and refused to let himself cry when he laid his head right on his chest as he slept.  His breaths were even, eyes closed. The fingers of his left hand were curled around the material of his pillow and there was this little smile on his face that he’d always noticed was there when he slept.

He didn’t want to have to let go – he didn’t want to have to say goodbye. But sometimes what he wanted didn’t matter as much as what others wanted for him.

Sometimes giving up wasn’t the desired option, but the only option.

 

 

“Good morning.” He heard Liam say and felt lips pressed against his cheek. With a smile, he sat up and turned to face him, trying to pull him in for a kiss and laughing as he pulled away. “Nuh uh, I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.”

“I know. I’ll never quit trying, though.” Saying the word never made his heart hurt as all the memories from the night before were suddenly rushed back to the front of his memory. He would quit trying because he had to. But at least he could still help Liam enjoy his weekend.

 

His family was good to Liam, they really were. They didn’t act lie there was any elephant in the room or deep dark secret that he was going to have to keep. Everything just felt normal. It threw Zayn off in the worst of ways. He wanted to jump around and throw things and cry and tell Liam that he loved him, but he couldn’t, he just had to wait and tell him later that he didn’t love him.

So they went through their day but Zayn wasn’t really listening, wasn’t really there. He didn’t want to be.

 

He didn’t tell him on the way home.

He didn’t tell him when they got back to school.

 

“Hey, love, I’m making pancakes for dinner tonight, interested?” Liam called, and those were his first words. Whenever he’d sneak into his apartment (with the help of the spare key he kept discreetly under the fake rock in the plant pot), he’d always call and tell what he was making for dinner. Those were the days that made him smile.

“Will there be whipped cream?”

“Pervert.”

“That was a genuine question!” He said with a laugh, running a hand through his hair. “I’m headed home now. See you in five, yeah?”

“Okay.”

 

When he walked inside, as Liam had promised, there was a strong smell of pancakes through the entire room. Harry was on the couch with a plate in his lap and already eating. “This boy of yours – keep him. He makes better pancakes than I do.” Zayn smiled and pretended that that didn’t hurt his heart.

“For you.” Liam said, handing him a plate and wheeling over to the couch. Zayn sat down, the three of them all scrunched together on the little tan thing that he’d always hated. He’d kept it because Harry said it ‘accented the previously-owned-by-a-smoker stained walls.

He’d really had every intention to tell Liam what he knew he had to tell him, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Couldn’t bring himself to be able to cause himself that much pain, couldn’t bring himself to come home to an empty-of-Liam apartment every day.

“These are good, babe.” He said, taking another bite and kissing his cheek. Liam got a dab of whipped cream on his finger and dabbed it on Zayn’s nose before smiling.

“I love you.” Those were the three little words that broke his heart.

“I love you, too.” And those were the ones that ripped it out of his chest.

 

It was two weeks before he told him.

( To: Pretty Boy 6:02 am )

_I think that we need to stop_

( From: Pretty Boy 6:02 am )

_Wait, what?_

( From: Pretty Boy 6:03 am )

_What do you mean?_

( From: Pretty Boy 6:15 am )

_Zayn please_

( Missed Call, Pretty Boy 9:36am)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm... ouch?
> 
> Hopefully two updates in two days makes up for Zayn's meanness.
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	9. Chapter 9

“Breath through the pain, Liam. Dammit.” He whispered to himself, using every ounce of will in his body to keep from pounding his head against the wall behind him. His head hurt. His heart hurt. His entire _fucking_ body hurt and he couldn’t breathe. But he forced himself to, breathing in for four and out for eight over and over and over until the numbers were all he could focus on.

He couldn’t stop repeating the words in his head – _I think we should stop –_ maybe because he liked to torture himself, but maybe because he just wanted to know why. Zayn never gave anything else beyond that. He’d called twice, texted three times. But each time he just got silence in return. It hurt. It hurt worse than anything he’d felt in a long time and it was like everything was falling down on him all at once.

He’d told him he loved him.

Zayn had said it back.

He’d thought things were going well. Had he done something to upset him? There were so many thoughts coursing through his head, so many unanswered questions and all of it was getting to be too much. It was too much.

 

“You’re sure you’re okay, mate?” Louis asked, pouring him another shot of the amber colored vodka that somehow replaced the mind boggling loneliness he felt without Zayn. This was his fourth. Five was when Louis cut him off.

“I’m okay,” he hiccupped, taking the glass to his lips and tipping it back.

“I really don’t think you are.”

“I’m working on it, then.” Louis’ mouth shifted into a straight line and he just reached across the bar, a hand on his shoulder as he forced Liam to look him in the eyes.

“That’s all you’ve got for tonight. No more.”

“Lou-“

“And I’m calling your mum.”

“Wait, stop. Okay, I’m done. I’m going home.” His mind could always sober up with even the slightest fear of getting scolded by his mum. That was just a simple thing that had always worked for him because it would start with her, then there would be the crying, then the screaming from his dad. None of that was really desirable at the moment, or ever. So he typed in his request for a cab to the app on his phone and slid Lou a few notes to cover the cost and tip for his drinks (and how much of an asshole he’d been the last week).

Lou had gotten the worst of it. He’d been the one he’d called crying and the one who’d come to his dorm with open ears and a warm body to cuddle with. But then he’d been the one that had had to experience Liam in his drunken stupors which, often times, made him cry longer and harder.

He’d say sorry eventually.

 

Sorry never really was the word that came from Liam, though. He was the master at saying sorry in the things he’d buy and taking people out to lunches and out for coffees and things he could do, but when it came down to saying the word _sorry_ he would fall flat on his face. He’d always been a firm believer that sorry wasn’t a genuine way to apologize – that there were other ways to _show_ your regret rather than just saying it. Because there were a lot of things that could be said with an empty meaning.

Like when Zayn said he loved him.

So he ended up taking Louis out for lunch, twice, and trying to listen when he complained about some drunk who threw up three times in the last week on his floor and never tipped. But he didn’t feel like the small talk was making him feel anything. So he was just going to excuse himself, but Louis put a hand on top of his own before he could draw away from the table and gave a small smile, “It’s okay, Liam. I know something’s going on in that head of yours, and whenever you’re ready to talk about it I’m here. I hate seeing you like this, but if that’s what you need, time to grieve or whatever, I understand.”

“Thank you, Lou.” He pretended his eyes weren’t glossing over with tears yet again as he found his way into the back of yet another cab.

 

Liam was okay.

He didn’t check his phone every three minutes with the hopes of getting a phone call or a text from.

He certainly didn’t sleep between every class and only manage to crawl out of bed to go.

Definitely not.

 

Liam was miserable.

 

It was another week before Liam got a call from an unknown number, and he almost didn’t answer, but something in his chest said he needed to. So he did. “Hello?” He asked, voice still slightly thick with sleep.

“Hey, um, is this Liam?”

“Yeah, who’s this?”

“Harry.” Oh.

“Okay. Um,” He swallowed hard, glancing to the clock. Why the hell would Harry be calling him at ten at night?

“I know this is like, really weird. Right? I dug through Zayn’s phone to get your number. So yeah, really weird. But listen, I feel like we should talk.”

“About what, exactly?”

“I mean, I miss your pancakes and would love to steal your recipe –“ he laughed softly on the other line but turned it to a cough when Liam didn’t return the laugh. “About Zayn. And you. And things.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“How about we meet for lunch? Are you free tomorrow?”

“Sure.” They made plans to go out and eat at the little restaurant down the road from his Uni campus, but Liam just had a sour taste in his mouth. He really wasn’t okay, and he knew it was going to be a while until he was, but he had an aching feeling this was just going to drag him right back to the beginning.

 

Liam got there a little late, as his class had run about twenty minutes later than he’d expected, but Harry had been sitting at a table near the front with a cup of tea sitting in front of him and he wheeled up to the table. “Hey.”

“Hi, Liam, hi.” He said and Liam felt bad for a moment for interrupting his thoughts. But he smiled anyway and let out a little sigh, as if he was about to tell some massive long story, but Liam already knew the ending and frankly, he just wasn’t interested. But he could play polite.

“Zayn doesn’t know I’m here. With you, I mean.”

“Yeah, I doubt he’d care anyway.” Or maybe not.

“Liam –“ Harry sighed again. The waitress came over, then, and asked what they both wanted, and once they’d ordered the tension felt at least a bit more calm. Sometimes Liam was thankful for distractions. “Zayn is really… He’s torn up. I mean, you’re managing. I can see that much. But Zayn really isn’t. He’s not left his bed for a week now.”

“So, you’ve come to blame this on me then?”

“No. But I wanted to at least explain. God knows Zayn won’t – because he’s too prideful. But I don’t think it’s right that he didn’t give you a reason.”

“So he told you why?”

“Yes.” Liam quirked an eyebrow, hoping Harry would take the hint that he wanted him to elaborate. “Zayn’s parents – yes, I know, it sounds like I’m passing the blame, but listen – have always been stupidly rich, right? Mine were too. We lived fairly close to each other, so you know, we were friends.”

“Is this Zayn’s life story, or our break up story?”

“Let me finish.”

“Sorry.”

“Well as we grew up, I started to realize exactly how much of Zayn’s life was controlled by his parents. They’re great people, they really are, but they’re incredibly controlling.” Harry paused and took a drink of his tea. “So they own this business, for disabled people in need of in home assistance, which was how your dad found Zayn and Zayn found you. So, it was all pretty good right? An internship – their son doing a good deed for free because he was ‘so passionate’ about his line of work.”

“Yeah, alright?”

“But Zayn fucking hates this job. He hates seeing people he can’t really help, you know? I’ve seen him buried in a bottle of scotch one too many times to not know that too well. So I finally got it out of him in his Junior year of Uni that he despises this entire thing. But he has to impress his parents, which I always thought was stupid, but, whatever.” It was slowly starting to make sense, and Liam felt like his heart was falling to pieces all over again. Just like he’d predicted. “So when they found out that you two were dating, they told Zayn to end it unless he wanted to be cut off.”

“So he dumped me because he wanted his parent’s money?”

“No, Liam. If he gets cut off, that means no job, no flat, a pointless degree, and years of wasted education.”

“Oh.” He felt sick. He felt the heavy kind of sickness that made his stomach clench and twist and his breaths were suddenly becoming harder to take.

“He loves you.”

“So what is going to happen then? What was the purpose of this?” His eyes stung with the feeling of wetness. He didn’t want to cry.

“I just thought you would have liked an explanation.” Harry was frowning. His entire face looked sad and Liam almost felt like he was obligated to give him some kind of approval for dragging him down here and opening up wound he’d spent three weeks trying to close up.

“Thank you. I feel better.” Harry smiled. He reminded him slightly of an overly animated dog, or a child that wanted every kind of praise it could get. His phone vibrated with a text from Louis. He’d been instructed to show up at 1:37 exactly to rescue him. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go. Tell Zayn to call me, maybe?” He highly doubted Zayn would call. “Bye.” And then he was gone, keeping the tears at bay until he was safely behind the tinted windows of Louis’ car.

 

**{ THEN, After The Accident }**

Liam had called Anne-Marie the second he got out of the hospital. She’d sent about seven texts during the day and a half long period that he hadn’t had his phone, so that was all he could think to do. The pain pills had worn off significantly, so he could finally think straight. He missed her. Wanted her to come and tell him it was alright because he really, really didn’t feel like it was.

“Hey, love. Sorry I didn’t have my phone-“

“Liam?”

“Yeah, yeah it’s me. Why do you sound so… surprised?”

“Everyone thinks you’re dead.” She sounded frantic. “What happened?”

“I was in an accident. I’m not dead. I mean, I’m not going to be back at football any time soon, but I’m not dead.”

“What do you mean?”

“I guess the accident went and fucked up my back. I can’t walk.”

“Oh.” A pause. “I’ve got to go. Bye.” He furrowed his eye brows, unsure how to react as the line went dead. Maybe she was just in shock. Yeah, she’d be okay in a few days, right?

 

He went to school a week later and ignored the looks he got the best he could. The ones from his ex-team mates hurt the worst. They looked at him like he was just some kind of failed potential, as if the fact that he couldn’t walk anymore was the only thing that was his identity. But it made sense. Football had been his identity before, and now that was gone.

 

He’d found Anne-Marie kissing another boy next to his locker. Apperantley he’d councelled her through the “hard time” she was going through without a strong boyfriend to turn to instead.

 

He met eyes with her once, and then he just ignored the way she didn't even attempt to chase after him.

 

**{ NOW }**

 

Liam hadn’t thought about the things from high school in quite a while. But for some reason he found that the memories were coming back over and over and over in his dreams. Except Anne was always replaced with someone else. It wasn’t Zayn. He wasn’t that shallow, even in his subconscious (or at least he could hope), but it was a guy. Maybe that was his mind’s shitty was of telling him he was gay. Which was definitely something he wasn’t. He wasn’t gay.

Maybe he liked men.

But that didn’t make him gay.

He couldn’t be gay. His dad would never – it was too scary. So he just put those thoughts off.

His mind was still groggy from being woken up, but once he was completely awake, he found that the offending sound had been coming from his cell phone, and he grabbed it off of the night stand.

( From: Zayn 10:02pm )

_What did Harry say? He won’t tell me. And I’m sorry if he said anything stupid. I didn’t. He wasn’t supposed to … I don’t know._

( From: Zayn 10:03pm )

_Sorry for texting you. It’s been messing with my head – not knowing._

( To: Zayn 10:05pm )

_Yeah, I can understand that much._

He hadn’t replied after that, unsure what there even was to say. Maybe it was a sick feeling of revenge by making Zayn not know what Harry had said. But he couldn’t stop looking at his phone, couldn’t stop hoping Zayn would show up at his Dorm. He never did, but Liam never did stop hoping he would.

He couldn’t really just show up at Zayn’s without help, so he had to just call instead. It was making him feel sick. He needed to hear his voice.

“Hello?” Zayn said, sounding oddly awake for it being well past three in the morning.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“What’s up?”

“Um, you called. Shouldn’t you be asking that?” He said with a little laugh.

“Yeah. Right.” He paused. “Harry didn’t really say much. He just explained, I guess.”

“Explained?”

“Why you dumped me.”

“Liam – I. I’m sorry. I should have explained myself, shit. I’m just, really bad at that kind of thing. I know I hurt you. And I’m honestly beyond glad that you called. I’ve spent the last few weeks fucking my sleep schedule up and debating if I should call you –“

“Please stop.”

“I miss you.”

“Zayn –“

“I’m sorry.”

“You can’t just say these things when you don’t mean them!” Liam said, his voice too loud for the tiny dorm. That much became obvious when he heard the shuffling of Niall from the opposite bed. “Sorry.” He said, maybe to Zayn, maybe to Niall. He wasn’t even sure.

“I’ve meant everything I’ve said to you, Liam. I’m a lot of things, an asshole included, but I’m not a liar.”

“You said you loved me.” His voice cracked and the tears finally managed to spill over. He’d been holding them back for too long.

“I do.” The sound he made wasn’t anything short of just pain. Liam hurt. He hurt everywhere.

“No you don’t.”

“I really do, Liam. I wouldn’t lie about that. But I just – I have a lot of things in my life that I really need to sort out. I’m graduating in a few days and if I have this stupid degree and can’t do anything with it – what am I going to do?”

“Be happy. Do something that makes you happy.”

There was a long silence on the other end and Liam almost hung up. But the long exhale that came after minutes of silence made him stay.

“Come over.”

“What?”

“Please.”

“Okay.” Okay. He was still head over heels for this boy that seemed to make him hurt more than anything ever had, but he also made him feel better than he had in so long. It was horribly destructive, maybe, but Liam thought that that was okay. He loved Zayn. Zayn loved him. He’d always been a strong believer that love was the most painful thing in the world, and he wasn’t going to go back on his beliefs now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating on Sunday! This is a bit of a short chapter. 5 more chapters left until the end!
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).

Every inch closer to Zayn’s apartment he got, the more reasons came to mind to turn around. The cab driver had a menthol cigarette lit up, clouding Liam’s head and making him want to cough. Normally, he hated all cigarettes, but Zayn didn’t smoke menthols. Menthols still made his head hurt and his lungs feel cloudy. “Will you put that out?” He asked with a groan, slamming his head back against the seat behind him.

“Fuck off.” The driver said, right as they pulled into the cab spot in front of the apartments Zayn lived at. He was almost going to be rude enough to just toss the bills at the driver and make him fish for them, but instead he just handed him fifteen notes and managed to unfold his chair and get it out without falling before there was a hand around his arm helping him.

“Hey. You came.” Zayn.

“Yeah.” He let him help him. Pride was one thing, stupidity was another. He had long since accepted that he needed help to do things everyone else didn’t.

Zayn looked rough. That really was the only way he could even describe it – the way there were dark circles under his eyes that he could see even through the dingy lighting of the parking lot and his hair was flat against his forehead instead of styled and the way his clothes hung off of his shoulders like they hadn’t been changed in a few days. “You look awful.”

“Thanks.” The reply was quick, but he didn’t smile. Normally, when they teased each other, there would always be smiling. But this wasn’t normal. Nothing about this was normal and Liam wanted to go back home. Home was a weird thought, though. There was a part of Zayn that he’d once felt was home, his dorm was home, his room at his parent’s house was home. But suddenly none of those places felt appealing and he just felt lost. Zayn took him inside and it was silent for longer than Liam liked. “How’ve you been?”

“Alright. You?”

“Alright.”

“That’s good.” It felt unnatural to make small talk with Zayn. They’d so rarely had small talk before that it was almost like he was taking to a stranger.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” He got a huff in return as Zayn fell onto the couch, leaning his head back against the headrest and rubbing at his eyes.

“You know what. Being an asshole. Abandoning you. Making Harry be the one to explain.”

“Breaking up with me through text… not giving me my hairdryer back…”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry.” Liam didn’t respond for a moment. He wasn’t entirely still upset, but he wasn’t ready to say it was okay, either. His chest still hurt when he thought about the things that Zayn had done to him, how he’d just left him without a single explanation, but his fingertips were numb with the excitement of having him back.

“I know.”

“Okay, good.”

Liam was quiet. The tv was very quietly playing some show in the back ground, and the noise was the only thing keeping him from asking that so obvious question that he needed to ask. Zayn stayed quiet too. This was the awkward silence, the kind that made everyone want to flee away because the entire air in the room seemed just as still yet frantic as every thought deep inside of his head. “So, what happens now?”

“I love you, Liam. I really do and I’m an idiot and I’m scared because I’ve never loved before. So I don’t know what happens now.”

“Okay. We’ll figure it out.”

“Okay.”

 

So, maybe Liam forgave too quickly and too easily. Well, there really wasn’t a maybe about it. He’d always been the type to allot second chances even when people didn’t deserve them. But he wasn’t entirely sure Zayn _didn’t_ deserve it. He really did understand the fear that came with being in love and not knowing what to do with it, and that on top of everything that Harry said – he could only imagine how terrified Zayn was.

So he forgave him.

 

He forgave him in the form of continued communication at first. Things kind of went back to how they’d been when the first met. They’d come over to each other’s places every once and a while, usually bringing some kind of food. Zayn wasn’t the only one who bought it anymore, since Liam always had felt bad about that. The awkwardness was still there for a while, but it was just another obstacle they’d have to get over.

Maybe they never would quite recover from this, or maybe they would. He didn’t want to dwell on the possibilities, so he just let it happen. And happen it did.

The awkwardness was gone with the jokes in between sips of coffee and the fondness in the looks when they were sitting with their thighs touching on the couch or when Liam had managed to fall asleep after a long day of classes with his head resting on Zayn’s shoulder.

It was an awkward thing, to be stuck so right in the middle of friends and lovers, maybe both maybe neither, but neither of them were ready to question it. At least they were together again, that was all that seemed to matter in each progressing moment. Zayn started styling his hair again and – as Harry had so elegantly put it – didn’t make the whole house smell like three day old thai food.

If things were going good, why question it? That had always seemed like the smart thing to do in Liam’s mind, so that was how he was going to live this one out. There was no need to mess up he and Zayn’s relationship again by asking questions that he wasn’t sure he was ready to get the answer to.

 

It was slow this time. Slower than before in the way that they slowly started stealing tired kisses when both of their mouths tasted like coffee in the earliest parts of the mornings. Liam had followed Zayn out to his studio twice to watch him paint and Zayn had gone with him to a book signing of one of his favorite authors.

“I like this more.” He said one night, take out containers strung out across the bed at their feet, the bed opposite his in his dorm empty.

“What?” Zayn asked, turning to look at the other boy, eyebrow quirked.

“This. The speed we’re going. I like it slow. It was too fast before, like it should have been obvious it wasn’t going to work in the end.”

“Yeah, I like it too.”

So they kept it slow. The _I love you’s_ slowly got more frequent, along with the way Zayn’s mouth would move from his lips to his neck to everywhere else – and it was like nothing had ever happened. Everything was okay again and, for the first time since Zayn had said goodbye, Liam felt comfortable.

 

“Ah-“ Liam said, pulling at Zayn’s hair as he watched the way his lips wrapped so perfectly around his cock – so beautifully spread out with his eyes closed and face tinted red. “Oh, shit.” He pulled a little harder at his hair, getting a moan in response that sent vibrations through him and his eyes fell shut just a moment before he came, but watched as Zayn pulled away, choking.

“Ouch, you just kicked me!” Zayn was laughing, a drop of come at the corner of his mouth and Liam really hadn’t been paying complete attention to what he was saying, but the words set in a moment later.

“Oops, sorr- Wait, what?”

“Oh my god.”

“Are you sure? Are you sure you didn’t just smack yourself on the bed or –“

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. You didn’t feel your leg move?”

“I don’t think so I mean –“

“I’m calling my dad.” Zayn didn’t wait for an answer before he was walking out of the room, fishing his phone out of his jeans pocket and leaving Liam laying on his bed, heart pounding with anxiety about his health. If he really had moved, that meant something in his body was working again, that had to mean that his nerves were waking up from their sudden sleep. He'd had a dream like that one night after The Accident, like all of his nerves were ill and had decided to just go to sleep until they felt better. 

The idea of walking again was so exciting, but the thought of Zayn on the phone with his father  __about him, after they'd broken up _because_ of him made the anxiety well up once again. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update because I don't think I'll be able to update this sunday again and in celebration of the album drop. Also a bit longer chapter. Enjoy!

It was weird how Liam’s thoughts would swirl at speeds that seemed incapable of being travelled when he was left alone with his thoughts. He was cold. The temperature Zayn always kept his flat left goosebumps rising on the bare of his stomach and arms without the other man’s touch but he hadn’t convinced himself to roll over and get the blanket yet. He was a little too concerned with the fact that he could hear the low rumble of Zayn’s voice through the thin walls of his flat and the way it rose - in what he assumed was frustration - despite the fact he couldn’t make out the words.

What could he be saying? Was his father going to cut him off? Was he answering his questions? What _were_ the questions?

He looked down, staring at his toes and just thinking _movemovemovemovemove_ but they didn’t. He sighed softly and pulled himself up, back against the headboard and – finally – pulled the blanket over himself. His heart was pounding in his chest, his mouth dry with anxiety. It was so hard not knowing what was going on and he would give anything to be able to reach his jeans and play on his phone but all he could do was stare out the window and wait.

But then he looked back down grabbed his calf and dug his finger nails in slightly, just enough to make sure he could feel it – to make sure it was real. And then his toes moved when he focused againd and he couldn’t do anything but smile.

 

It was five more minutes before he heard footsteps and Zayn was back in the room, sitting beside him and placing a few kisses on his shoulders. “I’m gonna drive us back up to Bradford tomorrow. My dad said that he’ll help us with figuring out what the hell just happened. And I made sure he’s completely aware that I’m not ending it with you again.” Liam blinked twice, taking in all the information before he wrapped his arms around Zayn and hugged him tightly. There were no words to say. Nothing could compare to the feeling in his chest and the love he felt for him that left him feeling like he was floating. It was overwhelming.

 

The drive to Bradford was the most anxious few hours of Liam’s life. The experience from the last time on top of the idea that he could possibly be able to walk again was incredible. His heart was pounding and palms sweaty and everything in his head was spinning. For a second he thought he was actually going to throw up, and it only got worse as they got closer.

“This facility is really nice, you know? We’ve helped a lot of people, like, with impaired functions. And I just – I thought – your dad said that you never had a chance to walk again so I never even thought to bring you here but after last night I just – I really think you can do it, love. I really do. And I’m going to do everything I can to at least try to help you walk again.” Zayn only rambled when he was nervous, and the thought that he was nervous, too, calmed him down in a weird way.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” He pulled into a parking spot and put a hand on Liam’s thigh, resting it there a moment and just looking at him. “You know I really do hate my job and my major but if it helps me help you, I’m glad I’m educated in it.”

“You’re just bein’ cheesy now.”

“Maybe.” He leaned forward to kiss him, then, brushing their lips together. “Let’s go.”

 

Yaser was just as nice to him this time as he was the last time he’d met him, though there was that underlying awkwardness between them because of what had happened between he and Zayn. But that didn’t matter in that moment, there were more important things on his mind. He kept things professional, ran some tests and checked his reflexes and answered all his questions.

The first time he’d gone through this, all he’d felt was lost and confused. His doctor hadn’t answered any of his questions, really, just said that he had a slim chance of walking again – but that had just given him anxiety. Yaser at least seemed to know what he was saying and it made Liam have a kind of confidence about his recovery that he’d never had.

It was a weird thought, the possibility of being independent. It really was. He had been so reliant on others for the entire time of his injury that even the idea of being able to do things by himself was incredible. He’d wanted so bad for his entire teenage years and even now to be able to function by himself that he could have cried right then.

“Liam, love, you there?” Zayn said, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Just thinking.”

“Okay. Dad just said that we’re gonna get you into a few physical therapy sessions, yeah?”

“Okay.”

“You said that you have slight function in your toes, yeah? And then you moved your leg but that could have just been a reflex.”

“Yeah. I got my toes to move yesterday. And my reflex didn’t work right after the crash. So, I guess that’s good?”

“It is, yes. Any improvement is good.” Yaser paused, running a hand over the back of his neck, “Honestly, Liam, I’m not sure what you did. The spinal cord can’t heal itself – and there really isn’t enough research on it for me to be able to tell you the science behind the fact that you’ve gone from no movement to even slight movement, but it really is great. I have a lot of hope for your recovery.”

“Thank you, sir.”

 

Zayn helped a lot with the movement parts of his therapy. He got braces to put on his knees and got him to bring his knees to his chest (both of them keeping the laughs at bay as he did). “God, shut up, it’s a stretch.”

“Maybe useful later.” Liam always did take every opportunity he could get to make Zayn turn red. He was beautiful when he was embarrassed.

 

It was slow at first, the two of them deciding to stay in Bradford for the summer (since Zayn had graduated and Liam was on holiday from Uni) to just focus on this. They found a little flat that Zayn said was the same price as his previous one had been and Liam wrote articles for magazines whenever he could to help Zayn with rent. It wasn’t as much as he would have liked to give, but it was the best he could offer.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Liam.”

“Can we sleep?”

“Yeah.”

It was different living with Zayn. Maybe he’d lived with him to some degree when he’d been at his flat every second of the day back home, but this was different. He got to see the way Zayn stayed sat up in bed some nights while he chain smoked and stared at the walls. And he got to see the way he would paint with his headphones in and sing at the top of his lungs as if Liam wasn’t home, but he never minded. It was nice even just to watch the way he changed the way he took his tea – sometimes he’d take sugar in it, sometimes just cream, sometimes both, sometimes black. It usually said what kind of mood he was in.

Before, he’d only seen the side of Zayn that he assumed Zayn had thought was presentable. It was funny, actually, to watch the way he’d still get flustered if Liam walked in on him in the middle of the night eating some kind of junk food from the kitchen when he’d venture out for a glass of water, or the way Zayn would laugh at him when he’d read the news on his cell while he was brushing his teeth.

Living with him was completely different, but he loved every single second of it. And maybe they would keep it like this when they returned home, or maybe not. There was a big part of Liam that hoped every night when he’d fall asleep to the sounds of Zayn’s snores that they would, but there was also that nagging voice of anxiety that said they were going too fast and too fast could only mean they would fall apart once again.

Liam wasn’t sure he could put himself back together if he crashed again.

 

“Okay, we’re gonna try something a little different today, then, yeah?” It was a month and a half into summer before Liam thought he could have blinked twice. He’d been to the facility three times a week for the entire spanse of summer so far and things really were going well. It was much easier to move his toes now, and he’d even been able to lift his leg about three inches off the ground without help once. The progress really was painstakingly slow, but both Zayn and Yaser said that he was doing well.

“What is it?”

“Treadmills. We’ve got some chairs that you can sit in, and it’ll be at a slow pace and if you can just get a few seated steps in, maybe in a few weeks we can move up to getting you to vertical steps.” Liam swallowed hard, but with the oh-so-hopeful tone lying under Zayn’s voice, he couldn’t manage to voice it.

“Okay.”

“You trust me, right?”

“Of course.” He went through the motions, focusing the best he could. Zayn cheered him on and kissed him each time he could manage to get some kind of movement and, Liam wasn’t going to lie, Zayn was really keeping him going at that point.

 

“Tea?”

“Cream and sugar, please.” Liam frowned, pouring the liquid he’d brewed on the stove into two glasses and putting Zayn’s requested condiments into his glass. Cream and sugar together always meant he was upset.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Just a long day.”

“I’m sorry.” It was quiet for a while as Liam watched the way he was lost in thought, taking a few drinks every once and a while before their eyes met once again and Liam’s heart dropped.

“Do you like it here?” His voice sounded uncertain, like he wasn’t sure what he had really just said. It made Liam nervous, like it was a loaded question. So he blinked a few times, just processing it before he answered. The answer was so simple that he suddenly doubted why he had been so nervous. Zayn made him nervous in the best of ways – it made his head spin.

“Yeah, do you?”

“Yeah, I really do.” There was a long pause and Liam thought he knew what he was going to say. “I think I’m going to stay, you know, like, even after summer ends.”

“Oh.”

“Will you stay with me? I know that that’s like – a crazy thing to say and a huge step to take but I just I mean there’s a nice school here and –“

“Shut up, Zayn. I’d love to stay with you.”

“Really?”

“Surprised?”

“A little.”

“I’m offended in how little faith you have in me, Malik. I was actually considering staying myself. I feel like it’s the perfect distance from home for me. My dad can’t breathe down my neck anymore.”

“Yeah, I’m just. Wow. I didn’t think it would be that easy.” Liam couldn’t help the little laugh. Maybe it was a little amusing to watch the way Zayn got so flustered when he was confused.

“You were actually so worried I would say no that you had to go and ask for cream and sugar?”

“What?”

“Nothing, love.” Zayn’s eyes narrowed, crinkling so slightly at the edges but Liam just grinned again, tilting his head and smiling. He was so in love.

 

After a while he and Zayn went home to visit Li’s family and Harry. The drive was actually nice this time, no anxiety in Liam’s chest. Just excitement.

“Liam! Zayn!” Harry said the second they pulled up in front of Zayn’s old flat.

“Hey, Mate. How’re you?” Liam.

“Much better now. I missed you both so much. How’s Bradford? How’s things?”

“Things are really nice, Harry. Bradford is the same as usual. We missed you too.” Zayn. They’d made an agreement to answer every other question as long as they weren’t directed at an individual. Harry was really good at asking a tirade of questions and not giving enough space for one person to answer.

“I planned a really nice dinner since I haven’t had anyone to cook for in months, you monsters. How could I ever call you my friends?! I can’t believe you left me for so long.” Harry was always so overdramatic and it made Liam laugh, wrapping his arms around the taller man when he bent down to hug him and watched as Zayn did the same. It felt good to be around a friend again. Maybe if he was going to stay in Bradford he’d have to go out and find some friends.

 

Harry certainly hadn’t been lying. He’d made lasagna along with three different kinds of breadsticks and four pies as well as three different kinds of cookies that Liam had never even heard of before.

“God, Harry, how are you even able to afford this?”

“Oh, the owner of the bakery I work at always lets me take home the mistake foods. Nick added an extra teaspoon of baking soda to one of them and too little sugar in another, but I think that they still taste fine. The lasagna I paid for but I’ve been wanting to make it for a while anyway. I’d just never be able to eat it all by myself.”

“It’s great, thank you Harry.”

“Love you, mate.”

“Love you too, Liam.”

 

They’d planned a little three day mini vacation back home, with just enough time to visit everyone that they’d left behind. Louis had hugged him a while before he said he had to go back to work and then they were off to go see Liam’s parents. That was really the only thing that was making Liam nervous, but it was okay. Before long there would be a few hours between them if everything went sour.

“Liam, love, oh you look great.” His mother said, bending to wrap her arms around him as she kissed him on the cheeks. “Hello, Zayn. It’s good to see you again.” She sounded sincere in that. It made him feel good.

“Hey, mum.”

“I’ve heard you two are living in Bradford now?”

“Yeah, we’ve got ourselves a nice flat.” He hadn’t told his mother about going to physical therapy. Maybe he felt bad about that, but he knew if he had told her that she would just ask too many questions that he didn’t know the answer to and she’d try to get involved in his medical problems and – “I’m going to start going to school up there next year, too.” Her face fell for a moment, but she was smiling again before too long.

“You’re getting all grown up, I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, mum.”

 

The months went on. They went on in a slow progression of good and bad and okay and sometimes just nothing. It took a while to learn that recovery really wasn’t easy. He’d eventually managed to tell Zayn he thought he was doing it for him and they’d gotten in a bit of a fight over it, Zayn saying that his recovery was _his_ and doing it for someone else never worked. There’d been tears and that had been the bad, but he’d been right. After all of that, he’d realized Zayn had been right. After he started doing it for himself, it got easier.

Or at least it felt like it did.

It still went slow and Liam still got frustrated and Zayn still had to calm him down a few more times than he’d ever like to admit, but within the time of the summer, he could make the motions of steps.

“Oh my god.” Was the first thing out of Liam’s mouth. He had an arm around Zayn for support, but he’d done it. He’d taken the first real step since the accident, and it made his heart pound.

“One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

“Nerd.”

“Shut up and keep walking.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” He laughed and kept his arm tight around Zayn, trying to take another step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liam is getting better and the story is slowly coming to a close! I hope you're all enjoying reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it. I love your comments and I'm super appreciative of the kudos. Thank you for all your support.
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short, fluffy chapter.

Zayn had graduated, so he started working full time at his dad’s company. It was sort of lonely for Liam at the beginning, the flat being too empty and too quiet during the days he was alone, but he got used to it. The silence slowly started to become a bit more of a comfort than anything else, just because he knew that – even if in the moment he was alone – this place was still his and Zayn’s. It was one of the few things that made him smile no matter when he thought about it.

He’d started playing the guitar in the time he wasn’t doing much else, and he wasn’t very good at it, but once he’d managed to get the basic chords down, it got easier. Most of the time he’d just strum random chords with rhythms he made up in the spur of the moment for twenty minutes and put it down and find something else to do. But it wasn’t even just the guitar playing that made him think, because it wasn’t that. He’d noticed that when he was here, away from his parents, he was able to explore the things that he found fun or interesting without worrying what they’d think about it. (Two weeks or so ago he’d attempted painting and thrown all of his attempts out before Zayn came home because he was embarrassed, but that was a different story).

The rest of the summer passed on like that. With the ease of the days and Zayn coming home and cuddling with him every night until they passed out on their too-small-for-two-grown-men bed. Everything was better than he’d ever imagined it would have been.

 

He started his final year in University that year, and he walked on campus with only a crutch for support. Maybe it was against Zayn’s wishes because he’d said it would put a lot of stress on him, but he could do it. At least he’d be sitting most of the day anyway.

“Are you going to be home in time for dinner tonight?” He asked Zayn right before he got out of the car and looked over at him.

“Yeah, I should be.”

“Alright. See you later.”

“Love you.” Those words never did fail to make Liam’s heart flutter. Even now, even though he’d heard them a hundred times, he wasn’t sure he’d ever get over it.

“Love you, too.” It was a weird thing to think that this was how his life turned out. It was a weird thing to think about how all of this turned out. It was so irratic and unexpected that sometimes thinking about it all would just give him a headache. Even just the thought that if he hadn’t met Zayn, he’d still be stuck at his parent’s house living in his own misery made his head spin. Just the thought that something seemingly so small changed his entire life for the better was such a strange thing. But, then again, he wasn’t complaining.

There wasn’t a single thing in his life worth complaining about.

 

Within a month, Liam was settled in to all of his classes and found that he was much happier here than he’d been at his previous school.

After two months, he’d found a job. He was a paid-intern for a magazine company, and while the pay wasn’t exactly the _best,_ he was happy. He was helping Zayn with bills and finally had some kind of pathway that could get him a higher job in the future with his degree. There was always this hope of him being a teacher one day, but until he was completely able to walk (if he ever was), he wasn’t sure that was much of a possibility. That was okay.

After six months, finals were over, things were still the best he thought they could be.

It wasn’t until a year later that he was standing in line to get his certificate for graduating from Uni – Zayn sitting in the same place he’d been sitting for him the year previous. His parents both came. Neither of them had the same scold in their eyes that they’d had nearly two years ago about him being with Zayn, and maybe that was why he was so okay with them being there.

“Liam, love, I’m so proud of you.” His mum said after he’d returned to the seat he had gotten Zayn to save for him, right next to all three of them. Walking was easier, even if he still had to use a crutch.

“Thanks, mum. It feels good.”

“I’ll take us all out for lunch then, my treat yeah?” His dad spoke up with a smile, a hand on Liam’s shoulder. He felt complete, then. Like there wasn’t any kind of static between him and his parents that was holding something back. It was good. He felt right.

 

“I keep telling you you should quit smoking.” He said with a little laugh, sliding their balcony door shut behind him as he joined Zayn outside.

“Mm, I know. Maybe one day.”

“I know. Something on your mind?”

“Just thinking like, how weird this all is. Isn’t this weird?”

“What?”

“Us. Like. Is it weird how we met like, two years ago, not even, and now I can’t even remember a time without you, really. Like, of course I can. But it just. It feels so distant and weird and-“

“I know what you mean.”

“It’s weird.” Zayn didn’t look at him again, just stared off into the outline of the city, a soft glow from the setting sun behind it. It was the nights like this that he wasn’t sure he could ever imagine being anywhere else. The nights where their too-small flat seemed like the most perfect place in the entire world and the nights where they could sit and talk and not worry about anything but each other.

“I think that’s just what love feels like, you know?”

“Yeah.” He kissed him. It was a soft kiss, but it was like saying everything that he hadn’t been able to say then. Zayn’s lips still tasted like his cigarettes and he watched as he put the half smoked stick out in the outdoor ashtray and pulled him back inside. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” They went back inside and yeah, Liam was happy. Zayn made him happy. There was just this constant feeling of complete _love_ that he had never felt before – not once in his life. It was incredible.

 

Liam got promoted at work about four months after he’d graduated from Uni. Instead of a paid intern – a title he’d grown to be (slightly) proud of – he was now an editor. The pay was better and the work was certainly more fun. He got to read other people’s works, got to help improve and develop stories instead of just fetching coffee and making copies.

Zayn was taking classes online in his spare time. They were both making a steady enough income now that the prospect of him going back to school (even if he was on track to get this degree in seven years instead of four) was actually possible. He was studying film making and art – the one thing Liam knew he absolutely adored. The days were busy and their lives were a little chaotic sometimes but it was okay because every night they’d still find each other in the same bed, limbs tangled together, sharing each other’s warmth.

 

Liam felt like he was on top of the world, like he was flying and soaring with any idea of sadness and insecurity buried 12,000 feet below him. Sometimes he’d have little thoughts like nothing ever being able to go wrong. But then he’d worry about jinxing himself and just go back to sleep instead.

 

He was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	13. Chapter 13

It was all too much, but not enough at the same time. It was exhilarating. Sometimes, Liam would lay in bed and think about his entire life – going over little details in his head that he’s certain he should have forgotten and letting the feelings sit deep in his chest. Sometimes regret, sometimes happiness. But the most prominent thing he feels is _shock._

He can’t even explain it. He isn’t sure anyone can. The way his life fell into place, piece after piece until he found himself where he was now. The Accident – his schoolings – meeting zayn – zayn helping him – having a friend that helped him get his job – everything. It was so much, yet he had no idea how so, so much could be fit into his seemingly small life.

It was just past five am on a Sunday morning – Liam had gotten into a habit of waking up at five every morning for work and it had just managed to stick – and he glanced over, watching the way Zayn’s chest rose and fell with each little breath he took.

 

He was in love.

 

It was such an overflow of emotion. He wasn’t entirely sure why all of it was settling on top of him right at that moment – but with the way that the steaks of sun, just rising over the tops of the buildings around their flat, made him think that he could enjoy the feeling, even if it was slightly overwhelming.

He moved a bit too quickly and the other man’s body moved, eyes staying shut as he asked, “Alright?” and waited for Liam’s answer of, “Course, love.” And then he was asleep. It was a common thing. He woke up sometimes in the middle of the night and just thought about things that he knows he shouldn’t think about. Zayn had gotten into the habit of asking if he was okay pretty soon after they’d moved in together. It was nice.

 

From Louis – 5:37 am:

Hey mate will you watch Sam for me??

 

To Louis – 5:42 am

Sure. Bring him by whenever.

 

There were little things that added to his happiness. Louis’ son was one of the top. He and Zayn had had the discussion already – the children discussion. It had mostly ended in the both of them being very frustrated with the idea of _maybe_ but _not now_ because their lives were too hectic and they were too young, but he was okay with that. Lou worked a lot – especially on the weekends - and his boy was like a little son to the both of them.

He wanted kids so badly. Well, at least one. Of course they’d have to move into a home first and figure out the entire process of adopting – but it was one of his primary goals in life. Zayn wanted them too, he’d said, but just not right now. (He’d brought up wanting to wait until they were married, too, and Liam pretended that didn’t make his heart do flips).

Zayn’s breaths were still even and he crawled out of bed, making his way out of the room and into the bathroom so he could shower.

 

Lou brought Sam around eleven, right after Zayn had managed to crawl out of bed and had a few cups of Tea. He took it black, and even two years later, that simple gesture still made Liam smile every time.

 

“Zayn, have you seen Sam? I seem to have lost him.” Liam said with a grin. Two little feet were peeking out from behind their curtains, but he pretended not to see them. Zayn grinned at the gesture.

“Hm, nope. I haven’t. I wonder where he could have gone!” The other man got up, too, before getting down and peeking under the couch, “He’s not under the couch…” Liam lifted a blanket that was sitting on their love seat.

“Not under the blanket. Where are ya Sam?” He said, hearing giggles coming from behind the curtains.

“Here I am!”

“You’re a fantastic hider, bud.”

“Thank you uncle Liam.”

 

Sam had finally settled down for a nap – after convincing him with a promise of candy after he woke up – and Liam collapsed on to the couch beside Zayn. “He’s a handful.”

“But you love him.”

“Yeah. You do too and you know it.” Zayn smiled again, kissing the other softly before petting a hand through his hair. He touched his hair a lot. It was really nice. But then again, Liam loved it whenever Zayn touched him – no matter where it is. So, he could be a little biased.

 

It was a slow Tuesday at work. Tuesdays were the one awkward day of the week he always seemed to have. Usually people moaned and groaned about Mondays, but Liam. Hated. Tuesdays. They were so slow. Almost always, stories and articles were due on Wednesdays, half way through the week so they’d have time to edit before publishing on Fridays. Mondays were alright because the stories that hadn’t been used the previous week were usually reviewed before they were either trashed or put in the pile of things that would be used in one of the following issues.

He got up and went to the break room to get a cup of coffee. Being overwhelmed was actually so much better than being bored. If there was anything that he hated, it was being bored.

 

To: Zee 12:09 pm

Come eat lunch with me?

 

From: Zee 12:15 pm

I was already on my way, actually. Brought left overs from last night.

 

To: Zee 12:17 pm

God I love you.

 

Zayn showed up and they sat in the break room together, eating and just talking about their day. Back at the clinic, Zayn was helping a little girl. She was six and had just recovered from some form of cancer - that Liam felt bad for not remembering the name of – that caused her to have to lose her leg. She was learning to walk with a prosthetic.

Liam wanted to believe that Zayn gushed about her because he wanted kids, too.

But that conversation would be brought up again later. “So, I was lookin’ at some houses that are right outside of the city.”

“Is that what you do all day, then? And here I thought you were working…” Zayn said with a little laugh. But there was no malice in his voice.

“Shush. But, I found this really cute little one – one story – with three bed rooms and two baths. It has a pretty big yard and there’s a tree and –“

“Let’s go look at it.”

“What, now?”

“If your boss doesn’t mind?” Zayn said with a laugh. Zayn was actually the one that had introduced him to his boss – they’d met in secondary school and stayed in touch since. He loved Zayn and did just about everything he asked.

“You’re incredibly obvious when you know you’re going to get what you want.”

 

So they went. The house was really, really nice. It was big on the inside and had big windows. Zayn said he loved it and Liam wasn’t sure he’d ever smiled so wide.

It was almost decided, then, that they were going to buy it, but they still had to look at other houses – just because they weren’t going to make the realtor think they were _that_ easy to please.

Liam walked beside Zayn, fingers intertwined together. He still walked slow and with a limp, but he wasn’t complaining about it. Even if the looks he got from the woman showing them around did make him feel self conscious. But he stopped in the middle of one house that was much too big and fancy for their budget when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He took it out, checking the caller ID before answering, giving Zee an apologetic smile. The other continued the tour as if they were actually interested in being in debt for the rest of their lives.

“Hey, mum.” He said before he heard the crying and his heart dropped. “Are you alright?”

“Liam, it’s your father. He – I came home today and he was –“ She couldn’t choke the words out, it seemed. Liam’s head was spinning. He knew what she was going to say. “He’s gone.” And whatever was left of the confidence that nothing in his life could have gone wrong at that exact moment was gone.

 

His mother was crying too much for them to really be able to have much of a conversation, so he’d politely said goodbye and promised to come by the next day. He sat on the couch and rested  his head in his hands, curling in on himself momentarily. The tears were fighting to fall, and he suddenly felt really hot.

His dad was dead.

They hadn’t really even talked much in the last year.

The last thing he’d said to him was “Okay.”

He hadn’t said he loved him since he was a child.

His thoughts were everywhere and he couldn’t breathe. The tears fell and before he knew it he heard footsteps, soft and slow at first before they were rushed and fast and Zayn was beside him, hand rubbing against his back. It made the air come easier.

“Li, what happened?”

“My dad. He died.” The shock on Zayn’s face was a weird thing to feel. Zayn had always been a good-taker at bad news. But this time, his face fell and didn’t rise again right afterwards. That was okay. Liam wasn’t sure he could smile, either.

 

Zayn said he wasn’t going to come with Liam until a few days later because he wanted to give him and his mother a few days to grieve and mourn together in the privacy of the family. Liam never would have been able to make such a request, so he was glad that Zayn was considerate enough to be able to make the suggestion himself.

His mom came and got him and they didn’t really speak much through the ride home, but that was okay. The silence was almost a shared feeling of the sadness the both of them felt.

 

Two hours into the ride he turned on the radio and one of Dad’s CDs was in the player. His mum turned it off and he didn’t complain about it.

  
When they got home, he sat at the kitchen table with a warm cup of coffee between cold hands and watched the steam rise from the liquid. He’d done a lot of that in the hours before she’d come and the hours in the car. Watching. He assumed it was because he was sad – that the idea of distraction wasn’t enough, so he’d just stare and zone out.

“Your aunt and I are going to set the funeral date for the weekend.” Four days. Okay.

“Okay.” He took a drink of the coffee. He hated coffee. “Are you okay? How are you managing?”

“I’m alright. It was shocking to come home and find him but –“ She cut herself off, breaths shallow like she was keeping herself from crying just as much as Liam was. “I suppose I’ll manage. Jeen is moving in in a few weeks, I think. You know how she lost her husband too. The both of us decided it might be good.”

“That’s a good idea, mum.”

“He was so proud of you, you know?” Liam looked down. That was all there was.

 

The noise settled.

Liam felt like he could breathe again, slowly but surely.

It was a weird thought to think about how he had never really been that close with him, but at the same time, he suddenly couldn’t find the capacity in his lungs to _breathe_ or the ability to move his body. Death was such a distant, seemingly impossible concept. It was so permenant, when someone dies, they never come back. Liam’s entire life had been built on top of falling down and getting back up but – he couldn’t.

He couldn’t get up from this one. It was just something that was going to knock him down and he knew he would have to slowly build himself back up – but it was just one of those things he didn’t see himself climbing back on top of. It would effect him the rest of his life, he knew that, but the overwhelming feelings in his chest were so, so much worse than anything else he could have imagined.

 

Zayn came up on Friday. Liam had stayed in bed the entirety of the last two days, wrapped in the blanket he’d used nearly every night when he lived here. When he felt the strong arms unexpectedly wrap around him, he finally let the tears fall. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Zayn whispered in his ear, rubbing circles on his back.

“I know.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

It was okay. Maybe he stared a little too long and got distracted a little too easy, but everything was okay. Most of his old university had shown up to the funeral. His ex from high school tried talking to him when she saw he wasn’t in a wheel chair anymore and he shot her a glare he was certain said more than he ever would have been able to.

It was okay.

 

The new house was unfamiliar, but Liam wasn’t complaining. Their bedroom was bigger and their bed was nicer. Zayn had taken time off, too, to help Liam grieve. He was so happy he was there for him.

“Marry me.” He whispered in a little voice. Maybe it was the death that made everything seem like life wasn’t and never would be long enough, but he wanted to spend eternity with Zayn and if he was only going to get 30 more like his father, he didn’t want to waste a single second more without being married to the love of his life.

“Of course.”

It wasn’t a real proposal. That would come later. But just knowing that it was a possibility let Liam fall asleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :-( ?
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	14. Chapter 14

There’s a funny thing about life and the seemingly disorganized, unexpected parts of it that Liam doesn’t much like to admit: it goes on. After his dad died, the only thing he could think about was that the world should have stopped, something should have happened, something should have changed. But it didn’t.

Life goes on, even if sometimes it feels like it shouldn’t.

His emotions were back to a mellow, evened out sort of inner-chaos that he knew was the best he’d be for a while. Zayn saw it, too. Saw the way he’d stare out of windows a little longer and twist his fork around in his food a few minutes longer than he ever had.

“Alright?” Zayn asked him the same question, every day. Perhaps it was better this way, that Zayn could vocalize it and he couldn’t – the only way he knew how to ask if someone was okay was through their actions. If someone was acting differently, he knew they weren’t. Asking aloud was something that had never been really in his skill set.

“Yeah. I’m good.” It was the first time that he said it with the most sincere of truths behind his words. He was okay.

 

Accepting the fact that he would never see him again was the hardest part, but it wasn’t impossible. After a few tear-filled conversations with Zayn, he’d mostly figured out that he wasn’t really missing _him,_ but more missing the idea that he wouldn’t be able to get close with him. They’d never been very close, and it was something he’d always wanted. But pushing it off for years and years seemed to have finally caught up with him.

 

He was out of work for about a month, just trying to cope. His mum came around a lot. The both of them were just… lonely. But that was okay, because it gave them time to get closer. She even mentioned something about wanting to move into the city. Something about having an empty nest – too much room with too few people to fill it.

He understood.

 

In his time off, he’d started writing something of his own. The degree he’d worked for years for was great in use as an editor, but the one thing he’d genuinely always wanted to do was write his own book. Something that he could call his, not just stick his name on as something he helped with.

Once the idea was set in his head, it became something he spent a lot more time on than he’d have liked to admit. Zayn loved it, loved seeing him happy. Things were starting to feel normal, like nothing terrible had happened.

The loneliness slowly went away. He was happy.

 

“You good?” The sudden noise startled him a bit, but he turned to face Zayn, smiling softly. The lines that had once been under his eyes from stress weren’t there. Things had calmed down for the both of them, even if it wasn’t under the most preferable conditions. But he wasn’t working himself to death anymore, and that was something Liam was more than greatful for.

“Yeah, all good.”

“I was thinking we could go for a walk?” Zayn asked, tangling their fingers together.

“Sure. Sounds nice.”

 

So they did. The air was cool, but not uncomfortable. Spring was Liam’s favorite season. Even if it rained like the rest of the year, the two days of sunlight they got per year usually were in spring. Zayn’s hand was warm and the silence that was between the two of them was far from uncomfortable. There wasn’t a need to speak, wasn’t a need to do anything but enjoy being in the other’s presence and it was again, then, that Liam was reminded of how in love with Zayn he was.

They walked down the road seven blocks until they came to a little park, four swings sat empty and the long yard of grass bare of activity. No kids, just them, so they went and sat on the swings.

It was a sudden thought, something he’d never thought he’d ask before, but Liam’s mouth was moving before he could process the words and, “Do you want children?”

Zayn paused, almost like he was as taken aback with the question as Liam was. “Yeah, one day.”

“Me too.” He did. Even if he hadn’t thought much about it. A family. He could see himself with a family one day.

They sat there for a while, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time, almost like it was the first time they were meeting and it felt right. Everything felt right.

“Liam,” Zayn started as a few drops of rain started to fall. “Remember a few months ago, what you asked me in bed?”

His heart sped up. “Yes.”

“Well,” Zayn had that little grin on his face, eyes closed a little more than usual to keep the rain from getting into them but still crinkled slightly at the sides. And then he was down on the ground. “Liam Payne,” His hand was in his pocket and Liam sucked a lip between his teeth. Zayn’s hair was starting to droop slightly from being wet, but the moment was perfect. “From the moment I met you, I knew you were incredible. Strong. Brave. Sarcastic. Funny. Beautiful… a bit of a pain in my ass, honest, but –“ They both laughed, Liam’s fingers were going slightly numb with excitement. “When I realized how much I loved you, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You make me happier than anyone ever has. We can start a family one day and well, will you marry me?”

“Yes, yes of course.” He got down on the ground, too, and wrapped his arms tightly around Zayn because it only seemed right. The both of them getting wet in the rain, getting dirty on the ground, but neither of them could have been happier.

 

 

It was a year until the wedding. A year until everything was done and prepared. A year too long, if you ask Liam, but nothing short of perfect.

It wasn’t a massive event. Just their families and a few friends. They’d gotten Harry to bake the cake for them, and Louis to help book a place to hold it at. He was good at that sort of thing.

The decorations were mostly white, but tinted with blue and green, having decided to combine both of their favorite colors into the hall. His mum cried the entire time, but he couldn’t say much since he almost did, too.

They walked down the isle together, neither of them having been able to agree if they wanted to go traditional style or something a little less. His mum had suggested it, and they’d fallen in love with the idea as soon as it was said.

 

“Zayn Malik, do you take Liam Payne to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“Liam Payne, do you take Zayn Malik to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“You may now kiss.” And they did. It was something beyond magical. Maybe Liam had always thought the idea of kissing in front of a crowd to seal a wedding was a bit over rated, but it wasn’t like any other kiss they’d ever shared. Their first as husbands. The first kiss towards the rest of their lives.

 

He was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it took me a hundred years to update. The next chapter is the epilogue and a little sneak peak into their lives after all of this.
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


	15. Epilogue

_Five Years Later_

“Daddy. Papa.” The little voice called from the door way, shadow shining softly from the light in the hallway and the darkness in their room.

“Yes, Jaan?” Zayn asked, sitting up in the bed and looking to the small boy. Their boy.

“Nightmare.” His name was Lucas, a simple name neither of them had even thought against once after it had been brought up. The months spent waiting for him to be born were some of their best, the ideas of what they would do, buying clothing and setting up his room. (Even if most nights were like this, his nights spent in their room instead of his own.)

“Would you like to sleep with us, then?” There was no answer besides the soft shuffle of socks on the carpet and then Lucas crawling up on the bed, coming up and settling between them. It never felt crowded, even with three of them.

“Good night, bug.” Liam gave with a soft kiss planted on his son’s forehead and a smile plastered on his face. His son. His family. His life.

Everything was great.  

 

But there were, of course, times in both of their lives that perhaps they wished they’d done something different. Sometimes the fights would shake the foundation of their lives and leave wounds in the deepest parts of the life they’d built together, but all would be well again once one would find their way back into bed, warm beneath the covers with gentle apologies whispered through the tension of anger. It was such a true thing for the two of them – the idea that true love isn’t something that adversity can shake. The hardest of times would weaken them, tear them down, but then they’d climb back up and come back _stronger._

True love had always seemed like something saved for fairy tales and impossible antecdotes of twisted reality, but Liam really did believe he’d found his own. He’d managed to find his own little dose of a story book inside of his reality that he’d never envisioned.

Those were the times that even the smallest thought of having done something different didn’t come to mind.

Liam couldn’t say he’d ever been happier. The years passed seamlessly, almost, the smile now-permenantly etched upwards into his cheeks just a small form of proof that everything really was great. It had been a long time since he’d even had the smallest desire of change. Nothing could change, he wouldn’t let it.

They’d bought a house outside of the city a few months after the wedding. A small, three bedroom place, but it was perfect. Just enough room for them and their soon-to-be family. Neither of them had a desire to live an extravagant life. The simplistic thoughts of being able to live a close, domestic life was all they needed.

Liam always thought that being in a smaller space together just meant that they’d be closer together. So, they’d agreed, the smaller house was better even if they could afford a better one.

 

Pictures lined the hallway of memories, pieces of their life that were so precious and treasured that Liam wanted to remember them forever.

 

The first of them was their wedding picture. It was the moment right before they’d kissed, that moment when the two of them could just look at each other and take a moment to think about the rest of their lives. It was a close second to Liam’s favorite, right behind the one of Zayn holding their son for the first time.

That was the second in the row. A friend had been gracious enough to surrogate for them, since she didn’t want kids, and Lucas had been born. He’d been dressed in a little blue pants set with a white cap, and Zayn had happy tears in his eyes as he held him close to him. The fondness in his eyes that he could see in the picture was the same kind he could still see each time he watched his husband interact with their son.

There were several pictures of the two of them with their family. Liam’s mum had certainly grown attached to her new son in law, and Liam had found a certain spot for himself amongst Zayn’s family, too. Most were at holidays, the younger kids sat on the floor while the older members got spots on the couch.

Then there was the one of Lucas with frosting spread all over his face from his 1st birthday party. Liam loved that one.

 

Each moment seemed like it had just happened, like the thought of it was still so fresh. It was so much better than anything he could have imagined for himself.

 

“Read me the last bit of it, then.” Zayn said, arms wrapped around his husband’s waist who was sitting between his legs, laptop open to the word document. It had taken two years to finish, but he was proud of it.

“Alright.” He said with a smile, scrolling to the very last page.

_“After the sun set, there was the darkness. But still they sat, staring into the bleakness of the color-fading sky and watched as the stars emerged, one by one. It wasn’t until then that it became clear that the night sky would never be the same without each star shining. Each little light, blazing bright a million miles away, all make up the brilliance of the dark._

_There they were, two fragments of a universe; small pieces in a greater story, but they’d never been happier.”_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not ready for it to end!! :(((
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a concept that I've had in my head for a long time and I've always wanted to write it... So here it is! What do you think?
> 
> As always, feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://futurxhearts.tumblr.com/) or twitter [here](https://twitter.com/alex_4968) (Twitter is for writing updates only).


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